There was a horse-drawn carriage on campus today (it might still be roaming around if you wanna chase it). See the photo for confirmation. I can’t be the only person at WashU wondering what in the world that was doing here. These are my thoughts on what the administration must’ve been thinking when they approved a giant carriage to roam around campus causing mass confusion.

From the inside of the administration’s mind”¦.

1) Today is February 20th, the date chosen to celebrate George Washington’s birthday. So. We are named after Good ol’ George but don’t have a vacation day to commemorate him, although it’s a national holiday. Interesting. Let’s, instead, have a chariot walk around campus! Some kids inside it can wear wigs! Just like George did! Aha! Perhaps that will make up for the lack of vacation day.

2) Tours are starting up again. Weather is improving, the sun is shining. This is an impressive campus: great food, wonderful architecture, nice kids, etc. But there is just something missing“¦HORSIES! I mean, half the student body either owns a horse, or was a competitive horse racer at at least one point in their lives (I wish this weren’t true. I didn’t know any horse racers [equestrianites? equesters?] in high school; now I know like 10). I bet they miss horses! Ah, the stables. I once saw a horse poop. It was truly appalling. Something like a rocket ship lifting off.

3) There already aren’t enough gimmicky things at this school. In the DUC today, I witnessed the Chancellor give out free cake after he delivered a speech that literally no one heard. Not his fault, I suppose. It’s sesame chicken Monday”¦ no one cares about what you’re saying right now, homie. Get outta here.

4) This one might be unlikely, but definitely practical. There are an absurd amount of kids at this school with leg injuries. Crutches, those black boots, splints–they’re EVERYWHERE. So how can we help these kids out? Perhaps horseback rides to class are the way to go.

Good lord I don’t even know what I just wrote. All I know is that horse-drawn carriages do not belong on campus. WashU is a strange, strange place.