The year is 1991, and janky clothing
sales are at an all time high, The U.S. invades Iraq to ensure a
steady supply of petroleum which it can refine into lycra and
polyester to mass produce (and therefore corner the world market in)
clothing in every shade of neon. Customers across the nation purchase
articles of clothing at least two times too large for their own
bodies just to show how much they adore these new materials. These
are heady days indeed, with CNN upgrading its evaluation of the
textiles market from “all that and a bag of chips” to “the
bomb.”

However, amidst all this Getting
Jiggy, one segment of the fabrics industry had not been making hella
cheddar. Not making hella cheddar at all. Cheap suit sales were at an
all time low, a fact most awfully witnessed by the rash of destitute
tailors on dancefloors everywhere, literally flailing their unsold
blazers over their heads, in a desperate circle, in one last
desperate attempt to hock their wares and feed their families. Things
were grim. For a time it appeared as if this classic garment, so long
a staple of the clothing industry, was on its way out. Never again
would America’s crazy youths attempt to disguise themselves as
responsible young business youths behind a thin veneer of Navy blue
(dry clean only) wool. Herringbone or otherwise.

And so it was in the midst of this
crisis that pioneering minds announced the first ever emergency
summit of the Worldwide Union for Subpar Tailors League (W.U.S.T.L.).
A convention hall appropriate to house such a meeting was immediately
sought. However, convention halls are extremely expensive, and as
mentioned times were tough. So a double-decker bus was booked, to be
parked in the Saint Louis Galleria parking lot for as long as
necessary to resolve the hardships these men faced, whether it take
weeks, months, or years (But probably just on Saturday and Sunday,
December 17&18, from 9am-7pm, weather permitting). All Tailors
concerned for their livelihood were invited to attend.

The day arrived, the best and
brightest bad tailors arrived, they packed into the bus, the duly
elected chairman swung that little hinge lever on the door closed,
and with a woosh they all started thinking. Super hard. A plan was
needed, and how! Some of them took adderall to help their
concentration, just because, like, who wasn’t these days. Others
knitted to aid their focus. More drank coffee. Some with milk; some
without.

Over the course of the day many ideas
were batted about. Perhaps to stimulate the market a charity ought to
be founded which provided dress suits to children in third world
countries? Maybe the problem could be solved by making a new line of
jackets which were recyclable, edible, or Kevlar lined? Was it
possible that sparking a war with Canada would resolve the issue? One
tailor suggested they aught to sew additional pockets into the
collars of their jackets. But that was silly.

At long last, and many hours later, an
idea was hit upon which was so insidious it had to be good for
business. What if they were to sponsor a series of events across the
country where their suits were mandatory attire? No, on second though, not a series of
events, but a fair! (Young people, they knew, loved fairs.) The youths
would have to buy their lousy suits in order to attend, even if they
would only wear them just that one single time! A stroke of
brilliance!

All the tailors on the first level
agreed this idea was off the heezy, and when they sent someone
upstairs to ask the tailors on the second level, those guys thought
it was phat too. However, one objection was raised: how could they be
sure them young youths people would want to attend their fair? Then
they realized: it was obvious! They simply had to blackmail the
youthful persons by making it very clear they would die in atrocious
poverty if they did not attend this remarkable fair. Genius! And
where on God’s green earth could they find youngful types exhibiting
proper herding behavior? Where else but College campuses?! Double
Genius! They quickly hustled to the nearest payphone to dial all the
institutions of higher learning they could find in the phone book.

Thus it was that the great awful suit
crisis panic crash of 1991 was averted, and the W.U.S.T.L. Career fair came to be
nearly as popular among young people as neon.

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