Tuesday: Delighted university officials announced that WUSTL
has made yet another publicized top ten list: “Top Ten Schools That Have Made
Nearly Every Top Ten List Except The List of Top Ten Schools.”

Previous
top ten spots include “Top Ten Friendliest Campuses,” “Top Ten Campuses with
Renowned Cement Architecture,” “Top Ten Research Institutions,” “Top Ten
Campuses with Overcommitted Students,” and, of course, “Top Ten Campuses with
Renowned Cement Architecture.” As
the university nears making ten top ten lists, which is basically the
equivalent of being a top ten school, the faculty and staff continue to
celebrate the school’s achievements.

“We
are so honored. We know our school’s reputation. Now everyone else can too!”
exclaimed a high-up position in the faculty.

“Personally,
I’m pretty excited by this news because I really enjoy drowning in the
ever-increasing pool of applicants that come with Wash U’s growing legitimacy.
This will become, like, what? A hundred more applications? Five hundred? Oh
goody. More popularity for the school. More common apps to read. No more life.
Hooray,” an admissions officer cheered.

The
campus celebrated by sending out a mailing to all past, present, and
prospective students, as well as putting red solo cups in Whispers next to the
water dispenser. [Editor's note: There was only one solo cup next to the water
dispenser in Whispers"¦and it wasn't filled with water.]