I am a huge proponent of eating breakfast. There is nothing like a good Chobani session. Am I right, ladies? And what could be better than Greek yogurt and/or four-month-old boxes of stale cereal to fuel you through your day?

Let’s kick things up a notch… to something super secret, super special, super sweet and/or savory, superhero level of wonderful. Brunch. You may be familiar with the common Swedish proverb: Brunch, brunch, it’s good for your heart! The eggs will make hangovers depart!

Brunch is a serious matter. And because it is so serious, I have compiled a semi-comprehensive guide on choosing your very extraordinary Brunch location. My high school chemistry teacher told me that you can apply the scientific method to any decision-making process in your life. Laugh you may! But I see absolutely no other logical way to select between the most pretentiously awesome and the most vomit-worthily mundane Brunch places right in your local STL. Hence, the Systematic Art of the Brunch:

1. Question(s):

Where to insert food into mouth and chew and try not to vomit? Where will I have to wait the shortest amount of time OR where will I feel the most superior for having waited three hours to be seated? Do I want to be able to zipper my pants?

2. Background research:

-A few off-campus specimens are kind of like these places where pretension got together with the perfect omelet and created this contract that all of society has signed that agrees the quality of brunch is inversely proportional to the number of hours waited.

-Then there are some really great, unique Midwestern brunch places. Until you find out there are eight in St. Louis and at least one in fourteen other states. Why do franchises always ruin good things? I liked the food, but now I know it’s uber-commercialized and can no longer eat there without tainting my hip and alternative image.

-Do you want grease to sink into your pores? Do you want something to absorb your stomach into its own acid ASAP? Do you want your jacket to smell like a greasy eating establishment for weeks upon weeks? That exists.

-Once in a while, you’ll find a gem of all gems. A place that makes you ask, “Wait, we’re still in Missouri, right?” Yes, we are still in Missouri, friend, but let’s all just take a second to pretend we’re at a trendy little place in the East Village. But if we were in the East Village would the family eating next to you really be smiling and asking about your cousin’s dog after you just spilt coffee on their table?

-Last we have our on-campus options. I am far too old and wise to be gracing Bear’s Den for my culinary needs. However, now and again, I can appreciate a nice sightseeing expedition of freshmen… I have never been to the Village for brunch. Upperclassmen give me anxiety.

3. Hypothesis:

If I eat X, I will not vomit Y and will definitely hear stories about Z.

4. Test hypothesis:

As in, go forth and EAT

5. Analyze results:

I’m tired of doing the scientific method. Background research took too long. Meep! Just do what your heart tells you!

6. Draw conclusion:

The scientific method isn’t really for me. I didn’t even know all the steps. I had to Google it. I hope I fooled you into thinking I was good at science (which I am). I can’t figure out the plural of hypothesis. Let’s go get some pancakes.