The seconds ticked rapidly towards midnight that evening. It was the eve of one of those devilish Wash U Monday’s when, for some reason, all professors decide to assign something major for the weekend. And there I was, alone, isolated in a top floor library cubicle, diving into analytical essays, while simultaneously reviewing statistical concepts (What the fuck is partitioning of variance by the way”¦hm.). Such is life some nights in college: dark, alone, melodramatic, painful.
And suddenly, a noise that broke my train of thought: a loud, crunching, cringing commotion. Then a smell! Oh, what a smell of excess mayonnaise and plastic lettuce!
No. No, no, no. I looked to my left and there you were. Munching away at your Subway sandwich barbarically, so woefully ignorant of the sacredness of the library to the battling student.
However, I let it go. I let you live.
But why is this desk moving now, shifting incessantly while I try to focus on my reading? Why are your elbows flying around like some struggling man drowning? I glare at you again. You’re on your FUCKING IPAD PLAYING A GAME. You’re giggling like a schoolgirl under your breath! Die, die, die, die, die, I think.
So as I lean over to say something polite, a proper, “excuse me, can you please be quiet? I have plentiful work and insignificant time,” you hold up a single finger to my face and reach into your pocket. You pull out your cell phone and say, “What’s up, man? I’m in the library work”¦.”
But now you’re on the ground, weeping in an unreserved astonishment, because I just sprung up like a fucking ninja and dropkicked you in the face. I saw your arms flail and your cell phone disperse in pieces in the darkness. I pack up and leave to avoid consequence. This is no circus. This is a library. So shut the fuck up.
Campus Basement Newsletter!
It's #Follow FRIDAYFollow @campusbasement
- 21 alcohol basketball beer boeheim campus christmas classes college Cornell dorms dps drinking drunk facebook finals food fraternities frats freshmen funny girls greek halloween holidays library love mizzou money movies music otto parties politics professors sex snow sororities sports students student sketches washu weather winter women