Tuesday: A family of four was found with an unusual amount
of suitcases stealing from the salad bar at Paws-n-Go. “Don’t you just love an
all-inclusive resort?!” Marilyn Jones shrieked as the B & D security guard
reprimanded her. According to the security guards, Mrs. Jones and her family
had actually been asked to leave the food area of brunch the previous Sunday after
being found without wristbands.

            However,
upon further questioning after the Paws-n-Go incident, the staff discovered
that Mrs. Jones and her family had been living in a room in SOFOHO, rented out
by a sophomore in the business school. “We were just so thrilled to discover
that St. Louis has a port. It’s easier than flying to Miami, and we just wanted
to see the world! Even though we haven’t stopped. Nor have we seen the ocean.”
She paused and whispered, “I think we might be lost”¦” [Editor's note: We were
unable to transcribe anything else as her English became incomprehensible due
to her sobs]

              After explaining to her what the dining
hall really was, she responded, “that explains why there were so many college
students. I thought it was pretty strange that the spring break crowd had
joined us in November.”

            Authorities
were baffled at the woman’s misconceptions, but upon further inspection of the
building, realized that the Bear’s den area of the South Forty House, does in
fact look like a cruise ship.

            “Now
we understand why Disney Channel won’t stop asking about filming Suite Life on Deck in the building.”

            The
consequences of this event, including the punishment of unnamed sophomore in
the business school, have yet to be released.