Allow me to rephrase… Abbreviations that WashU uses to stop me from graduating. Specifically, abbreviations that make me fail… At the very least, evidence that suggests WashU truly wants me to break down into hysterics in the middle of Whispers.

QA: Quantitatively

When I reached the ripe age of twelve years old, my mother gave me a pair of pink pajama pants that read: I’m too pretty to do math. I was sensible enough to realize that these get-out-of-math-free pants were too good to be true. I promptly told my mother that I’m a future Women and Gender Studies MINOR goddamn it! And I would not stand for these sexist gestures that lowered the standards of success for females! I would study hard and even take silly classes like calculus! Because I am a woman! And I know how to find the derivative of a function! And yet, as the years went by, I learned that there were a number of things I would rather do that didn’t involve derivatives or calculators, or even worse, pencils! Which brings me to my current state of mathematical being today: the QA requirement, specifically Psych Stats. Why psych stats, you may ask? Am I a psych major? No. Am I interested in statistics? HA. Psych stats = less pain that microeconomics. And just a tad bit less practicality… Honestly, let’s imagine an English major taking a “practical” class. (Kidding! Obviously my Art of Poetry class is super useful in the real world.)

STS: Stop Trying [to print] Stuff

Let us briefly consider the hypothetical possibility that despite all evidence to the contrary, despite clusters and requirements and the expectation that I am good at more than one thing, WashU actually WANTS me to succeed. In this alternate universe, it would logically follow that WashU would be so kind as to allow me to print the paper I’ve been slaving over for the past four weeks. There is literally nothing I could be more mistaken about in my entire technologically-challenged life. I don’t blame STS for every fury-filled hour I’ve spent pressing random printer buttons (although I do blame them for their personal vendetta against me and my access to WUFI-S). Sometimes, if I pray to the printing gods and make fifteen or so failed attempts, my paper will print. And if I’m lucky, I’ll have actually printed the paper and not thirty sheets of Psych Stats formulas.

MMM: Multiple Majors Mentality

An unofficial abbreviation, the MMM is an epidemic faced by 100% of WashU undergrads. It is contagious, fatal, and pretty disgusting. Why is it academically unacceptable to have one major and no minors? Because of this contract we all signed with each other when we enrolled in WashU that waived our rights to having a social life and required a minimum of three mental breakdowns per week. MMM is a microcosm of everything that is wrong with America. (supersized fast food meals, socialism, consumerism, the Kardashians, etc.) It’s as if a bunch of SAT tutors got together with the people over at NASA and had a very stressed out, highly-caffeinated baby which was overscheduled into playing two instruments and being on six sports teams and running for president of the student council and working on a new energy source to power cats. Yes, these are the kids who grow up to become WashU students and are subsequently obligated to master three separate fields of academic studies. You only have one major? How have you escaped the wide-reaching grasp of the MMM? No, really, tell me, I’d like to know. Remember when WashU told you it was so easy to triple major and that everyone did it? Remember when my adviser attempted to fit seventy credit hours into a 24-hour day? What is this sick world we live in???

In conclusion, I’d like to thank you, WashU, for making a simple task so tragically difficult and for making sure I graduate in ten or so years. Now I’m going to go down to Whispers and grab a cup of water. I don’t have my water bottle with me, but it will be fine, because there will definitely be water cups. After all, at the very least, WashU wouldn’t want me to be so dehydrated that I faint during my American Politics exam and have to retake the class next semester… Right??