An unnamed sophomore was found Tuesday morning rocking himself back and forth in fetal position under the Bunny statue. When brought inside to Whispers to thaw out his eyelids, he whispered, “I’ve come from a dark, dark place.”
The biology, political science, and Russian studies triple major explained that he was revved up for the last week of classes until he realized he had come to a point where it was “unrealistic to maintain academics, dignity, and dental hygiene all at the same time.”
“I was up on the third floor finishing up a problem set when all of the sudden my entire body began convulsing violently and I fell out of my chair. I took shelter underneath a cubicle until someone started chewing a salad too loudly, forcing me to seek refuge elsewhere.”
The subject continued, “My whole life flashed before my eyes. So many chem equations. So many hours in the lab. So little human interaction… All of the sudden I saw a bright light. I descended into the abyss and was led down a long corridor. There were cubicles everywhere and the bookshelves closed in all around me!”
Upon a suggestion that perhaps he was just lost in the B stacks, the distressed sophomore latched onto the reporter’s arm and began to whimper, “It was a fiery descent into the underworld! I’ve seen the other side! The horror! The brutality! The mediocre coffee! You just don’t understand how slow the printers are!”
The subject refused to loosen his grip on the wrists of the reporter, as he shouted, “DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE??? WHY DON’T YOU CARE? WHY DOES NO ONE CARE? WHY DO THE GRADUATE STUDENTS GET THEIR OWN STUDY ROOMS? PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME TAKE MY ANATOMY FINAL!”
Civilians on the scene reported a young male student crawling through the B stacks and forcibly swallowing crumpled up wads of stolen notebook paper. Intestinal damage has yet to be determined.