Sitting alone is an art attempted by many, mastered by few. The
SSS (Solo Seat Selection) is a dilemma facing our generation of awkward texters
everywhere! So how does one sit alone and not be eaten alive? How can you avoid
the state of a lone, defenseless guppy in a sea filled with barracudas?!
(Barracudas eat guppies, right?) Read on, my socially uncomfortable friends,
read on.
1. Be the predator of your education. Appear to be so
academically driven that you have chosen to be alone out of pure intensity. You
may have actually turned socialization down in favor of a quiet, chem-filled
lunch period”¦ In that case, you terrify me. Please go to your rightful place in
the b-stacks.
2. Read books, people! Or don’t. Do what you will, but at
least have a book in hand to put on an appearance of intellectual stimulation.
Loners and books have a long history of friendship and intimacy (Matilda, Rory
Gilmore, Thomas Jefferson, etc.). Don’t let the tradition die! The government
invented books for two purposes: to provide an education-themed backdrop for
high school portraits and to make people who eat lunch alone look busy.
3. Wear headphones. Music is an appropriate equivalent to book
reading for the lesser nerd. To make yourself appear friendlier, perhaps bounce
along to the beat of the song. Instead of thinking you are anti-social,
passersby will see your great dance moves and assume that you’re into hip, fun
music (like Beyoncé!). Humming along is also recommended. Another plus is that
you won’t hear the people laughing at you two tables over.
4. Take a nap. We’re in college! Embrace napping being
somewhat societally acceptable while you still can! The stresses of your life
have called upon you to take a break from your ever-filled social calendar and
academic responsibilities. Just go to sleep! Never feel as though this is
something you shouldn’t be doing alone. You should. Your body, your
choice!!!!!!!
5. Cubicles! God bless library cubicles! Cubicles are a safe
space. Their unique function is part of the contract we all signed with each
other requiring that cubicles remain non-discriminatory, a haven for loners and
cool people alike. Sometimes no one can even tell who is who! Never has sitting
alone been such a breeze.
Don’t be shocked in the coming weeks as more and more of
your friends opt to sit solo. As the group dwindles down, you may even need
these tips yourself! The ultimate SSS challenge? All five. At the same time.
Never have I ever envisioned something more socially awesome.
