This past Thursday afternoon, campus police were dispatched to break up a fight that started in the bookstore. Witness reports state that the fight began when a 5’3” white female walked past another 5’4” white female without any visible recognition of the latter despite their past friendship. Reportedly, the two had been friends up until recently when the aggressor failed to show up to the victim’s birthday party even though she responded with an ‘attending’ status for the event on Facebook. Witnesses state that after the initial “contact,” the first female stopped and acknowledged the second female’s presence with a biting “OMG, heeeey! How are you?!” The second female then replied with an equally icy “Oh haiii…I’m like reaaaally good, I feel like I haven’t seen you since you since didn’t show up to my party.” The conflict then escalated according to first hand reports. One college freshman, who does not wish to be identified, stated that the first female then began to hurl backhanded compliments at the second such as “You look so skinny even with all the beer you drink!” and “I wish I was as brave as you are; I couldn’t pull off jeggings if I had such pudgy sausage legs.” Campus police finally arrived on the scene and asked the women what the problem was, to which both replied that they had just been “catching up.” This is the fourth incident of its kind in recent weeks on campus.
In other news, there have been three reported back stabbings on campus in the last week alone. Officials believe these incidents are all connected, but are still looking to apprehend the culprit. So far, the only suspect is “that bitch who slept with Jenny’s boyfriend.” Any other tips or leads should be reported immediately to campus police.