Hello Campus Basement readers, and welcome to 2012. According to the always accurate Mayan calendar, we have finally reached the end of days. Soon, the sky will collapse in on us, painfully crushing every living human soul while leaving our planet a mere particle of dust with no evidence of past life forms and certainly no evidence of last semester’s finals grades (I win this time, Psych Stats). The sands of time are running thin, and not even Chancellor Wrighton can save us now!
But before the earth implodes upon itself, you may notice other signs of our impending doom right here on your college campus. To assist you in your end-of-the-world vigilance, I, a self-proclaimed final-days connoisseur, willingly provide you with some of my highly researched predictions and precautions for the coming year.
1. The Environment
You may have observed the casual tornadoes preceded by sixty-degree days and followed by below freezing weather. The seasons are fluctuating erratically. Squirrels on campus have been behaving differently. The bunny statue has been making notably more eye contact with those who pass by. It’s about time WashU reallocates the funds usually used to plant and rip out tulips within 48 hours. Week old tulips are a burden we must face in order to install asteroid-proof dorm buildings. Or at the very least, a magnetic force field surrounding the library seems practical.
Then of course there’s the alien invasion. You certainly can’t have a respectable apocalypse without some aliens. That’s where those ever-shady Fontbonne students enter the picture. First they infiltrate our parties. Then our classrooms. Then before you know it they’re heading the admissions office and accepting students who got lower than an 800 on the math section of the SATs!!! Horror of horrors!!!!
3. Maintaining Personal Appearance
The most you can do to protect yourself from the aliens is to appear strong. Consume protein powder. And don’t wear eyeglasses! They are a sign of weakness that the aliens will pick up on immediately. Also, glasses are for nerds and near-sighted hipsters. Invest in laser-enhanced contact lenses. You won’t regret it when your fellow glasses-wearers are having their eyes dissected by the Fontbonne pod people. Seriously.
4. iPhone Mind Control
Contemporary youth society is already plagued by rampant consumerism and dependency on lavish technology. The iPhone’s Siri is the voice of the devil! The more you let her into your life, the more she learns about your daily habits. She WILL exploit your seating choice in the library and your penchant for ordering Thai food four times a week. She WILL find a way to penetrate your mind and make you do crazy things like hang out in the DUC Fun Room or go to WashU football games. Credible scientists have reported that iPhone users will be the first to go. And no, I’m not just saying this because of my dwindling BBM contacts; I’m saying this to save lives.
5. Structural Chaos at the Estrogym
Last and worst of all, male persons will begin to permeate the South Forty Fitness Center, more lovingly known as the “Estrogym.” The Estrogym has been recently haunted by a handful of frightening male figures who run faster than me and lift more weights than me (as in more than zero). It is a scientific fact that the Estrogym causes 76% of all men to actually LOSE muscle mass. Prophecies have forecasted again and again that the end of days will come on the hour that there exists an equal girl-to-guy ratio in the Estrogym. So please just let me enjoy my last months sweating an unnatural amount of fluid in peace. Please.
The signs are here! The day will come! Be scared! Go use your campus card at Chill before all frozen yogurt turns into inedible tar!
Editor’s Note: All the above theories have been debunked by NASA… But who are they? Just a bunch of geeks with fancy calculators and a desire to crush the hopes and dreams of those who are brave enough to believe! Jokes on them when the non-believers are sucked into an alternate black hole of LabSci 100! Never-ending chemistry equations or being crushed into oblivion? I know which I’d choose.