I couldn’t be more excited. Of all our 6000 some-odd
students, I get to write the review of 2011 at Wash U! This is truly an honor,
one that cannot be eclipsed by anything I have done in my life, or in any
previous lives. I’d like to first thank all who made this poss-
Sorry, I’m writing this on a plane and there’s a really hot
flight attendant that I’m going to make a move on.
She didn’t go for it! I was so smooth, so impossibly clever.
As she came down the aisle taking drink orders, I looked her dead in her
gorgeous eyes and said “Honey, I must be one of your pre-approved electronic
devices, because I am very turned on.”
Oh shit, she’s talking to the pilot about it. I’m gonna
churn this article out before I get thrown out of this thing at 35,000 feet.
Thankfully, I can use my seat as a flotation device.
A Year in Review ““ Notable Events of 2011 at Wash U
Editor’s Note (although I’m the editor of this article so really this is more
of an author’s note, I guess?) ““ Most of these events are from this semester. I
have a pretty bad long term memory. Sue me.
The Class of 2015
I’ll start by acknowledging the newest members of the
community, and I’ll continue by saying you make me feel like a pedophile
whenever I want to go to BD. I always feel so old when I go there, and it
doesn’t help that I don’t know any of you. Come up and introduce yourself, I’m
the one in the Rock Em Sock Em Robots t-shirt with the furry hat. Also, please
stop vomiting at the underpass, it’s tacky. Vom in the bushes next to Koenig
like a Wash U veteran.
St. Louis Cardinals winning the World Series
Never before have I seen so many people who previously
couldn’t care less about the Cardinals, baseball, or the city of St. Louis
itself show so much pride in a sport they knew so little about. To anyone who
does not fall into this category, you know who you are so don’t get offended.
To anyone who does fall into this category and is offended, please go back to
your vampire books because the rest only gets worse.
New bike racks
Finally, all the loud noise and construction pays off so we
can have a beautiful”¦bike path? I don’t see that mahy bikers around (although I see thousands of bikes”¦who
do they all belong to?), and of the ones I see, they all have no problem riding
in the walkway. Either they ride way too fast and scare the living shit out of
me, or they ride too slow, right behind you as you walk until they run into
your shin, sheepishly apologize and pedal forward. Hey, asshole, you’ll pass me
over my dead body. Or, at least my slightly scraped shin.
Housing screws everyone I know
“Did you get where you wanted to live?” “Nah, housing kind
of screwed me so we’re stuck in [insert building name here], but it’s
whatever.” I had this conversation with at least a dozen people this year, and
I know what you’re thinking. “He only knows at least a dozen people? He should
get out more.” Shut up, you don’t know me. And obviously, chances are I don’t
Our first snow day in almost 20 years! Surely one would
think there would have to be unimaginable amounts of snow for this to
happen”¦but one would be wrong, and don’t call me Shirley. Our snow day happened
because of not 10 inches, not 5 inches, but a THREAT of 20 inches. How much
actually fell? I’d say between I Don’t and Care inches, because I love
everything on snow days.
BD catches fire
This happened more than once in 2011, yet I never actually
got to witness it. Oh, how many times have I received an undercooked chicken
sandwich and silently wished for a fire to cook it”¦I should stop wishing.
Subway changes their seating arrangement”¦every goddamn day.
STOP DOING THIS TO ME. First, you take away my Pibb Xtra
from the drink machine so I have to pay extra for a bottled drink. Then, you
change the seating 47 times in one month. For a Subway regular like myself,
this is not fun. If you’re going to change something, change your playlist,
because it’s had the same 8 songs on it since the beginning of the semester
(Someone Like You, Sexy and I Know It, You Make Me Feel, etc.)
I have attended all three WILDs in my time at Wash U, and
sad to say, Fall 2010 was the best one in my opinion so I don’t have a lot to
say on the two from this year. But, I did wanted to send out a quick thank you
to the mystery man at Spring WILD that attempted to steal money out of my back
pocket, only to find that it was Monopoly money with “Gotcha bitch” written on
it. Stephen 1, Dumbass 0.
I’d like to conclude by giving a quick shoutout to all the
student-athletes at Wash U, because I know you’re underappreciated here. You
rock, and keep rocking.
So, that’s 2011 in a nutshell. And hey, would you look at
that, the hot flight attendant brought me a bag of peanuts! I think I’ll try
Dammit. “My tray table isn’t the only thing in
an upright and locked position” didn’t work either. She must be a lesbian. The
guy next to me just woke up. God I hope this thing lands soon.