Hey, Amy Hudson… first
off, I really hated you in high school. But thank God I can put all that behind
me now that I’m older and more mature; and understand that you were largely
reacting from a place of insecurity. I don’t even remember that time you told
Mr. Weinsoff I missed the presentation because of Harry Potter. Or how you
started that rumor I had Chlamydia. Or how your thighs were really massive. I don’t
even remember when you said on Valentine’s Day of junior year that I would
never have a Valentine because of my gimpy eye. Hey, Amy Hudson, second thing: this year I had a Valentine. Yeah. Take that bitch. Hope it stings like Chlamydia (or my
gimpy eye when the air conditioning is on). PS Nice thighs.
(I’m the Honey Badger. You’re not included in the picture.
Because I hate you.)
Anyway, as someone who has never had a Valentine before… (and
based on the jaded Facebook posts, I’d say that’s 90% of you),
I am thrilled to
say that I have cracked the secret to being in a successful, long-term
relationship after years of watching from the sidelines. During that time, the time of “crying in my room and eating melted butter,” (what I call it with my friends… imaginary friends) I constructed a series of rules for dating that… while I can’t say I’ve used them yet… fully intend to. I’ve compiled them into a short, helpful list that
you should print out and tape to your soul.
I’m very perceptive, so I’m going to start out with my
“Advice For the Men”:
(See above:
Super Manly Men saluting to their love for their girlfriends after following
these rules.)
So dudes, women”¦ amiright? They are always nagging and talking
about feelings and shedding uteri and shit. You know, two X-chromosomes? Yeah.
Bitches. They tend to ask a lot of questions. So I’m going to give you a handy
guide for how to answer them in a way that doesn’t get your ear gnawed off.
So what if she asks:
“How much do you love me?”
This is a tricky hobgoblin, fortunately there is only one answer
that will suffice no matter what your old estrogen-bag is looking to hear.
“A sufficient amount.”
It’s perfect. No more wondering if you’re being too clingy or if
she’s going to think you don’t actually care (because you totally do”¦ about poontang”¦AMIRIGHT?).
It says you’re a level-headed man with a reasonable vocabulary. Best of both
worlds.
But so she might also ask:
“Do I look fat?”
If she does, say:
“No, you look like someone I love a sufficient amount.”
She’ll catch on if you say anything else (women aren’t stupid).
She’ll also catch on if you throw a harpoon(tang”¦ AMIRIGHT?!). But seriously,
letting a woman know just how big she is is too cruel. There’s only one cure
for the inimitable pain of realizing just how fat your love handles are. More
chocolate.
If she doesn’t look fat, say:
“Yes.”
Keep that bitch on her toes.
Then again, sometimes a bitch be crazy, and so she might ask:
“What would you want to name the baby?”
First thing to ask yourself:
Is she pregnant (and were you informed of it?):
If
she isn’t: If it’s a boy, Diaphragm. If it’s a girl, Yaz. So she doesn’t forget.
If
she is and she didn’t tell you before: Name it Diarrhea Face Glass
Teeth. Because fuck that bitch.
If she is and you were: Give a real name. Like one that you
like. This is your child after all, let’s not be crazy.
She might ask:
“Is she prettier than me?”
Ask yourself: is she Natalie Portman? Because if the other woman
in question is Natalie Portman, then you have to be honest. Here’s the thing no
one realizes about women: all they want is honesty. The second they know you’re
lying they’ll pounce with their womanly talons. Just be frank. If the other
lady is prettier say “yes Honey, she is, but she probably won’t have sex with
me so don’t worry about it.” She’ll thank you for it.
Or she might ask:
“Am I the prettiest girl in the world?”
“¦ Is your girlfriend Natalie
Portman?
Then you have the Kamikaze Question:
This is when she asks you something that she already knows
the answer to, and either way you’re fucked. See with this question she intends
on trapping you, but, as a lady, I know the only successful answer to this
question:
“For this question I have left a trail of clues. You will
understand my actions only at the end. Perhaps you will not find it until my
passing, but even then I’ve left you gifts from beyond the tomb”¦ which is how
long a sufficient amount of my love for you will last.”
Don’t leave any clues. She’ll be looking forever and she’ll
forget about whatever you did, be it lie, cheat, or kill her dog. Plus bitches
love treasure hunts.
Sometimes she’ll probably ask you this doozy:
“What are you thinking?”
Chances are you were thinking about Tarsiers.
But that’s not a sufficient answer. So, while in most cases
I’d say honesty is the best policy (like telling her she’s ugly), in this case
you have a tried and true way to go. Something that will change you in her eyes
forever (in a good way, not in a “I found your web history” way).
“I was just thinking about how you were about to ask me that
question.”
Professor X that bitch into silence.
Now for the ladies
As we all know, men don’t speak as much as women. Because
they’re not as good at it. So I’ll address some of the common difficulties in
relationships due to men’s actions.
Checking out Women
Hey ladies, you know what I’m talking about. It hasn’t been
a good morning. It’s one of those days. You’ve washed it twice but your hair
still looks greasy. And there’s a Hitler of a krink in it (which, oddly, Hitler
never had).
And you look like a man. I don’t know why, but the makeup is
somehow different. You’ve asked if you look like a man, everyone says no, but
yeah. Super Y-chromosome in the face for some reason. A penissy day (you know,
the worst).
And on top of all THAT. Your boyfriend is checking out some
chick’s ass. (Last thing you need.) And INEVITABLY she will be a whore.
There’s one thing you can do about this.
Kill her.
Think about it, what are you worried about? That he’s going
to jump that chick’s bones when you’re not looking. Let’s not kid ourselves, we
both know that you’re not the prettiest woman in the world (at least I’m not
kidding myself, there’s no way Natalie is reading this). So you’re not really
upset that more attractive women exist. But they don’t have to.
They Like to Fix Things
Men are a little bit like dogs. And what I mean by that is
that they are less intelligent than humans. Sometimes all you want to do is
vent a little bit. But immediately you start talking about something you don’t
like (be it a fixable thing or not) and all men want to do is tell you to
change something.
They just want to fix it. And you don’t want it fixed. You
just want listening. Which men can’t do because (little known fact), where
women have ears, men have toast.
What you need to do is take his advice. That’s right. You
heard me. Not because it’s any good, of course. Men don’t have good advice
because they have penises. And as we all know, infants were given the choice in
the womb. Penis or common sense. Some of us made the correct decision. Others of
us have toast for ears. Anyway, yeah. Do what he suggests, and then when it
doesn’t work out, vent to him again, and take his advice. This will not only
breed an air of mutual contempt (the building blocks of marriage), but maybe
you’ll die sooner. And once you are dead, the problem will be solved.
Asking For Directions
Men don’t like asking for directions. Which is
understandable, because if they do then they have to cut their own penises off
and eat them with garlic butter (it’s like eating an artichoke, you only bite
off the tip).
But if you’re anything like me, you live for getting
directions. I’m like, amazing at it. I’ll ask anyone to give me directions, and
they’ll do it (so long as they know where I’m going). And you know what? I’ll
forget what that person said and ask someone else. Because I fucking love it.
The men in my life do not love it so much. In fact, I tend to get the “fuck
you” eyes (and not the good kind) and the silent treatment, if I do it without
informing them I’m going to. And because of my experience with this, I can tell
you, the fix is an easy one. Just get so lost they have no other choice. This
is a five step process:
1)
Chloroform
2)
Hog tie him
3)
Put him in your car trunk
4)
Drive into the desert
5)
Leave
Not only will he have to prove his abilities as a man by
untying himself, but he’s going to have no other choice but to ask the desert
nomads how to get home. And then he’ll have to eat his penis. And then he won’t
care in the future about asking because he won’t be a real man anymore.
Beards
Men just fucking love growing beards. I don’t know why. They
look itchy (which, coincidentally, is the reason I stopped growing my
leg-beard).
There is a solution to this”¦ hairy problem. Assuming your
boyfriend/fiancé/husband/love soldier sleeps, it’s simple. First you just have
to wait until he’s unconscious. Then, every night you have to hide something
new in his beard.
Until it rots off.
Junk Fixing
Finally, there’s something that men love to do that I just
don’t understand. It’s junk fixing. They just fucking love to fix their junk.
(And by junk I do mean, and I’ll use the scientific term: Testicular Junkage.)
Just all the time. So much penis moving.
There’s, fortunately, also an easy solution to this could be
relationship ending issue.
But first two relevant stories. When I was little I used to
suck my thumb. So my parents put gross tasting stuff on my thumb and I stopped
sucking it.
Second story. The other day I was cooking with jalapenos and
after I was done, any time I touched bare skin it burned and left a scalded
mark.
Next time you catch your boyfriend/fiancé/husband/pillow-jaguar with his pants down. Just rub a jalapeno on there. Should do the trick
and save your relationship.
So there you go. Some advice that will hopefully allow your
relationship to blossom. Oh, and if your name is Amy Hudson.
Go fuck yourself. And if your name is Natalie Portman, I’ll totally leave my
boyfriend for you. I’m good at dating and he has a beard. We can name our child Diarrhea Face Glass
Teeth. She’ll be a dancer.
Love,
