Your second-best source for the past week’s Daily Trojan headlines

DPS safety forum discusses student stress management,
decreasing crime rates :
Arguably, that second one
could take care of both

1970 Los Angeles ban
on throwing balls at beaches lifted :
All my “MY BALLS, MY CHOICE!” posters
must have worked!

Onion editors address
satire in the media : 
They said it’s good, right? I didn’t get to go, I
assume they said “good.”

A bicyclist committed
a hit-and-run on a staff member’s vehicle at Watt and Exposition :
origin story of rumored staff superhero Don’t-Be-A-Dick Man.

Olympics president
talks at USC, hosted by professor Alan Abramson :
Discussion was lively and
stimulating, but the president’s mid-talk stumble left him taking home the

USG Facebook group was allegedly hacked, posted statuses supporting
a certain candidate : 
That’s not that bad. I mean, last time it was hacked what got posted were USG’s old naked pictures.

Urology dept. gifted $13.3 million ““ anonymouslyAll MY secret admirer sends
me is pictures of me sleeping!

DPS officers detained a juvenile who refused to comply when
asked to leave campus after he was observed doing tricks on his skateboard :
The juvenile refused because he insisted officers admit the
tricks were “super sweet,” the officers made it clear to the juvenile they
could do “so much better,” they were just in their uniforms at the time.

USC prepared to accept Obama’s new birth control law : Us being a successful university and him being the
president, neither of us can really afford another scare right now.

A doctor, treating a
woman at the Health Center, requested her husband leave after he caused a
disturbance. The man complied :
The man attested the doctor didn’t know how
to “treat a woman,” the woman attested that it was her husband who didn’t know
how to treat a woman, the doctor attested he is a specialist and, on a medical
grade bearskin rug by a fireplace, treated her extensively.

New sorority Alpha Gamma Delta promotes academic excellence,
philanthropic giving, leadership, personal development and sisterhood :
Oh weird, how are they going to fit in?

Law school’s Lincoln
Reading Room features rare artifacts :
Rare artifacts included Lincoln
memorabilia and sororities that promote academic excellence, philanthropic
giving, leadership, personal development and sisterhood

Communicating : Well”¦ Now they can graduate, I

Fresh & Easy opens underneath Gateway : All the neighbors
could hear Gateway loudly complain that Fresh & Easy needs to get on top
next time.