You’re sick, and this time I’m not talking about your internet history. You’re down with a bug, you caught a cold, the germ armies stormed the castle of your body. If you had no work, you would gladly take a week off to sleep, but this is college, so you suck it up and nab naps as you can. You’re an adult, you can handle this.
Oh, a text message! Whoever could that be from? Not the girlfriend/boyfriend/friend with benefits/special friend/slampiece/significant other who has already sent you more texts this year than there have been years since Jesus popped out of Mary, surely.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Friend with Benefits/Special Friend/Slampiece/Significant Other: “Are you sleeping over tonight?”
For the unscrupulous, a facepalm is probably not your reaction, unless that’s a side effect of your maniacal laugh. You’ll most likely text back some sort of “yes”, arrive that evening full of infectious agents, and overnight give your significant other your disease. What a sick f***.
For those of us possessed of a conscience, however, what follows after this text is a minor moral crisis. Do you agree to your significant other’s request and risk making (him/her/it) sick, or do you refuse in the name of (her/his/its) good health and risk making her (whatever, I’m sick of the English language) angry? It’s not an easy question, and requires careful consideration of the following factors to answer.
How Are You Sick?: If the infection or its symptoms are not in your nose, lungs, mouth or throat, it’s going to be difficult to infect your significant other and sleeping over is probably OK. Unless it’s an STD.
How Sick Are You?: If mucus pours out of your nose, if coughs pour out of your throat, if vomit pours out of your mouth, if blood pours out of — well, suffice it to say, if it pours, you can demand a rain check.
Sick You How Are?: This mostly applies to small green Jedi Masters, but it’s always worth consideration.
How Sick Does Your Significant Other Think You Are?: If your answers to the first two questions are “I might not be infectious” and “I’m getting better”, you’ll need a better excuse than “I’m too sick.” Otherwise, your significant other will invent one for you.
She may frame your refusal as a punishment for not being able to heal you, or perhaps as a secret plot to avoid sex. Whatever she says, anyone refusing the request will have to steel themselves for this face:
How Long Has It Been Since You Last Slept Over?: No matter how you answered the last few questions, this may trump all of them. Your significant other does not have to need cuddling like hands knead bread, nor to be an Indeep 500 sex driver, to really want some snuggle time after a week of you being sick. If you’re getting better, there may be an even greater demand, so as to celebrate your convalescence. Nothing, of course, says “I’m glad you’re better!” than “Now let’s get me sick!”