source for the past week’s Daily Trojan headlines
Homecoming float parade happened last Wednesday : Part of an all-day festival called College Things You Saw in 80s Movies That Do Actually Happen.
Cornerback Boomer Roepke assures crowd at Homecoming rally of upcoming Huskies defeat : Assures crowd of a victory – ? He’s a witch!! Burn him!
4/5 SoCal voters favor expanded public transportation; could help students’ job opportunities : 4/5 nonvoters are excited for more routes on which to yell unintelligibly and ferry bags of trash.
Suspect named in
hit-and-run of student : Awaiting evidence necessary to change “suspect” to
Trojan Knights org
turns 90 : Parties still shamelessly, controversially full of 20-year-olds
Place first housing complex in SoCal to be awarded platinum certification for
environmental soundness : Sadly, going platinum at such an early age
invariably results in a cocaine problem, steady career decline
Fresh & Easy to
open in Gateway around end of December : The people rejoice! Gone are the
endless horrors of a ten-minute walk to other grocery stores!
with China strengthening : SC incriminatingly offers no comment on “why don’t
you marry it”
Language Exchange participants “more than double”/”increase 82 percent” : Don’t
nitpick, it’s not International Math Exchange.
USG passes resolution
calling to clarify smoking rules and designated smoking areas : “Designated
smoking area” signs will no longer be so confusingly unclear
Jefferson to be
altered for increased pedestrian/bike safety : Though the only way for
bikes and pedestrians to be truly safe, authorities discovered, is to be kept
away from other bikes.
weight gain tied mostly to drinking and working : Thank god they didn’t include
“spooning” or that’d be all three of my reasons for living
Photo Credit: Grace Talice Lee