USC and UCLA harbor a rivalry greater than any rivalry ever
held by two southern California universities based in the same city. It’s only
logical then that the two institutions would take a few jabs at each other. But
based on one of the college’s response, it’s possible that the other party has gone
too far.


The popularity of the gut-busting shirt slogan “FUCLA” has
grown significantly in the past few years. Now everyone from infants to
grandmothers throws on the cardinal and gold tee before a game or lynching.
Unlike past digs, however, this little slight has proven too difficult for UCLA
to shake.


“It’s one thing to put food coloring in the fountain and
decapitate bears and hide them in our beds, but “FUCLA”¦ ?’ It’s just vicious,”
says Jessica Stoopidfase a UCLA undergraduate.


“See “F’ implies fuck. So the shirt is actually saying “Fuck
UCLA.’ It’s funny,” explains Jake Betterthanjessica, a USC medical student.


USC’s response to the grievance is arguably one of apathy.


A public statement released by President Nikias states: “We
don’t care, screw UCLA.”


After enduring several years of the sadistic taunt, UCLA is fed up.


An announcement given this morning by President Yudof
asserts: “After being mortified by the slogan-that-shall-not-be-named, the
university has chosen to change its title to a more suitable one. Following significant debate, a panel of experts has chosen an appropriate replacement.
From henceforth, the once “University of California, Los Angeles’ will now be
known as “LA’s Outstanding Student’s Education and Reform School.’”


LOSERS overall seems happy with the change.


“LOSERS is the perfect fix. USC has really embarrassed us before. UCLGay was almost too much. I
thought maybe the shame would overtake UCLA then, but they managed to get
through it. But FUCLA? It had to be done,” explains Georgia Loser, “plus I like that it
bears a coincidental similarity to my last name.”


“This is my fourth year at the school and I finally feel like I fit in at
LOSERS,” says Derrick Dooshbagg, “it’s a more fitting name. It just”¦ it just
seems like yeah, we’re all LOSERS here.”


Surprisingly USC students seem to agree with the change.


“LOSERS is the perfect title,” claims Andrew Awesome a
USC student, “this changes my opinion entirely on the University. I don’t even feel the need
to spit in their faces anymore or decapitate bears and hide them in their beds.”


Perhaps the change will mean a turning point in the
relationship between USC and the cross-town institution LOSERS, one of harmony, maturity, and trust.


It should be noted only one college has rejected the title, for some unexplained concern about its acronym, and will now go by “Brentwood
Dedicated Students of Medicine,’ or BDSM for short.