This Thursday, USC will be having a special sneak preview
screening of upcoming remake of “Footloose.” Being one of the special-est
people in the world, I have actually already seen this movie. This is not only
one of the most unnecessary remakes of all time but also one of the most
disappointing. The whole reason you go to a remake is to see how the story and
characters have been adapted to a more contemporary setting. But the premise of
“Footloose” of a town where dancing is illegal doesn’t hold up well in 2011 and
barely held up in 1984.

 

On the side of unnecessary remakes, this one of “Footloose”
is just the first of movies from the past thirty years that are being remade
and coming out soon including the remake of the 1990 Schwarzenegger film “Total
Recall” and another Kevin Bacon film also from 1990, “Flatliners.”  So what remakes are next to come
probably sooner than we think”¦?

 

1.     1. “Avatar” ““ 2036

In this twisted reimagining of James
Cameron’s masturbatory masterpiece-of-shit (if you disagree with this then you’re
obviously not a film student), the film starts on the planet of Pandora with
Jakkkob, a veteran Na’vi left legless after the brutal war with the outer
planets, being offered a positon to travel to the planet Earth and harvest much
needed oil from the planet’s barren fields. This can be done by going into an
avatar of a human being and infiltrating their oil harvesters brigade. Jakkkob does
so only to fall in love with the beautiful human oil harvester maiden,
Pocahontas, but is eventually creeped out by her talking tree friend and
delusions of seeing colors in the wind that he gets over his crush and steals
all the oil he can before blasting as many humans as he can to death. It’s a
comedy.

 

Critical Response: “The most mind-blowing
film I’ve ever seen because it made me use 0% of my mind.” ““ Time Magazine

 

 

2.    
2. “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” ““
2016

Still desperate to cash in on the highest
grossing film franchise of all time, Warner Bros. immediately rebooted the
series in 2012. Their reasoning was that if people read the books over and over
again, then they’ll gladly go to the movies over and over again too. This
installment was particularly interesting because the first go-around it was
regarded as the worst film because it deviated so much from the book. Director
Spike Lee wouldn’t stand for this and instead made a film so close to the book
that the ending run time for the film was 14.5 hours long. The film went
terribly over budget and ended up flopping in the box office because no one had
time to sit in a movie theatre for that long. Warner Bros. then immediately
stopped production on the remaining films.

 

Critical Response: “I only stayed for the
first 4 hours and then got tired of all the whining.” ““ The Chicago Sun

 

 

3.    
3. “Jurassic Park” ““ 2024

Exactly 30 years since the original came
out, this remake came about as a final project for burnout “Glee” co-creator
Ryan Murphy who tried to revive his old glory by making the whole film a
musical. The music and lyrics were the last project of U2 before their tragic
break-up due to Bono’s mental breakdown of being “too good.” The dinosaurs did
most of the singing but mostly about how they’re misunderstood gentle creatures
trapped in monsters body, this is played heavily upon in T-Rexxy’s breakout hit
solo number “Not That Kind of Eating” where he struggles with this issue and
his own homosexuality. Other songs include, “Hey Look, It’s Amber (Not a Person
But the Fossilized Tree Resin),” “Welcome to Jurassic Park, Bitches,” and “No
Door Handle Gonna Slow Us Velociraptors Down.” The film was a huge hit and
prolonged Ryan Murphy’s career for another 15 dismal years.

 

Critical Response: “If I wanted to see
singing dinosaurs, I would have pulled out my old VHS copy of “We’re Back!’
instead.””“ Entertainment Weekly

 

 

4.    
4. “Finding Nemo” ““ 2019

Robert Zemeckis took his hugely creepy
motion capture technology to remake Disney’s beloved classic. Keeping in the
vein of having one actor play as many roles as humanly possible in an animated
movie (Tom Hanks, Jim Carrey), Zemeckis brought on cinema’s finest actor Jason
Statham to play every role including Marlin, Nemo, Dory, Gill, Bubbles, Nigel,
Bruce, Crush and Squirt. In a brilliant directing choice, Zemeckis told Statham
to not try and create different character voices but just to voice all of them
in the same equally recognizable and annoying “Jason Statham” voice. And making
sure that the creepy factor was still involved every character also had a
weirdly colored “Jason Statham” face on everything from fish to sharks. The
whole thing resembled a bad acid trip one might have after watching all three
“Transporter” films and “The Incredible Mr. Limpet” back to back.

 

Critical Response: “I was confused,
frustrated, and scared the entire time.” ““ The New York Times

 

 

5.     5. “2012″ ““ 2033

A documentary about how the world actually
didn’t end and instead actually stuff happened in 2012 like the world not
ending. Hailed as Michael Moore’s best film.

 

Critical Response: “Hey, at least it wasn’t “Capitalism:
A Love Story 2.’” ““ The LA Times

 

Reserve your spot to see “Footloose” on campus here: http://cinema.usc.edu/events/event.cfm?id=12112