For those of you who have ever met some girl at a party who
says her life ambitions are “I dunno, anything, I just really want to be
famous,” and then giggled adorably between shots of jager, you were probably
all wondering the same thing ““ why isn’t there a major that caters to those
As reality TV, gossip bloggers, The Situation, and dresses
made of Kermits become increasingly relevant, young people looking to devote
their lives to the greasy, sugar-coated, fast food equivalent to a job in the
entertainment industry deserve a chance to learn to do it well.
“I realized one day that the only thing I’ve ever been
willing to work for is attention,” says pioneering student Ashley Lacey. “Class
is super hard, and I don’t really have any talents since I got over FarmVille.”
Lacey pushed to create the curriculum for students like
herself who intend to exercise their abilities to stand in front of a camera
and not much else. The school wants to include courses on self esteem, wearing
expensive clothes, and coming up with thoughts so you can have things to say on Twitter. The major will create graduates with the all the classiness of
porn stars, but none of the work ethic.
Lacey intends to be prevalent in TV, magazines,
PerezHilton.com, and the occasional slasher b-movie, as well as be super rich
and take lots of naps. Perhaps someday, she’ll have a publicized nervous
breakdown or go to an executive drug rehab.
“Other people exist to do the lame things you don’t want to
do, like wash laundry, or go to med school. This major just gave me, and so
many other students like me, permission to follow my dreams.”