you seen any of the streets lately” asked Alan Necker, head of the Street
Maintenance Division of the Department of Public Works, of reporters on
Wednesday. “They are filthy. Filthy, filthy, filthy.” Necker emphasized his
point by tapping his foot three times and then blinking thrice in rapid

recent scientific studies estimating that the quantity of small pebbles and
leaves slowly expands over the week, Necker deemed it necessary for the city to
clean more often. He is opting for constant 24-hour care.

“It is
time we stopped living in fear of nature and the barely noticeable layer of
dirt that accumulates on the asphalt over time. We must take back the streets!”
exclaimed Necker, while picking miniscule pieces of lint obsessively from his

program, officially named “Operation Street Sweep,” will leave people
absolutely no place to put their cars and it takes effect immediately.

“It used
to be so inconvenient that on certain days I would have to go out and move my
car to the other side of the street,” said Mary Plesterson, LA resident and
frequent violator. “But lucky for me, I accumulated enough tickets that they
towed it away. Problem solved, and just in time!”

there is also a small, but increasing amount of negativity among the population
toward this new measure. “What the hell is street sweeping actually good for?”
added Joe “Bubba” Lemtry, car-owner. “Where I come from, we had streets made out of dirt.”

Necker pushed hard for this new measure, confident that over time it will lead
to a better living environment. “We live in a scary world today. The education
system, prisons, and small businesses ““ they have all been hit hard by the
economy and are in desperate need of funds.”

pauses to check several times to make sure the light switch is still working.
“With such dire problems at hand, the last thing we should have to worry about
is whether or not our motorways are absolutely spotless. That’s why I am going
all out to fund this sweeping blitz. It will be taken care of so we can go on
about our lives and deal with the important issues.”

issued a statement foretelling that upwards of a million tickets could be
issued this coming week. The press release concluded that “residents should have
thought about this possibility before they went ahead and rashly bought their
automotive vehicles.”