If you’re
partying near campus this weekend, you’ll face a lot of uncertainty –
will the parties be good? Will the unmerciful god of getting laid smile
upon me? Do I dress to the Eskibros/Eskihos, CEOs/Office Hos, or Frat
Guys/Normal Sluts theme? Which goes best with the shoes I
just bought?

Thanks to the recent trend of parties often getting shut down at
midnight or earlier, one uncertainty you won’t have to tackle is whether
you’ll get home at a reasonable time. An anonymous DPS insider said
it’s the first step in their “Mother Knows Best” plan for the next
couple years.

Currently the mandated party-ending time is as
early as 11:30 in some cases, but DPS intends to bust parties increasingly
prematurely until Thursday nights you’ll head to the Row after dinner
for a friendly wave, turn back around and get home in time for the
NBC lineup.

Students may grumble, but DPS is thrilled at the way the new policy
has made it easier to protect drunken revelers by decreasing their
numbers sooner in the night. In addition to safety, the anonymous
insider says, “you don’t have to stay up late to be cool. Being more
alert and productive the next day is even cooler, if you think about

Future changes have been rumored to include bringing vegetable trays
and Oprah-vetted foodstuffs to the shut-downs for partygoers to take
home. There have also been talks of passing out “sweaters, you know
you’ll want one when you get outside” and “something reasonable to put
on over that dress, it’s basically lingerie, what are you thinking
wearing that out of the house you should be getting attention with your
brain and that adorable smile you were born with, young lady.”

It’s possible backlash could mean more small parties in student
residences, or less parties altogether. But, as our DPS insider points
out, “that’ll give you more time to see that nice friend of yours from
orientation! We never hear about her anymore. And what
is that Jenga set you got for your birthday doing, collecting dust?”