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Shake N Bake
Just can't help myself.
Bacon-wrapped ghetto dogs receive 5-star Zagat review
Leonard Zagat, a local homeless man, recently awarded a five-star review to a bacon-wrapped hot dog sold by a local street vendor on Saturday’s game day. The food enthusiast, who sleeps under the Vermont Ave. I-10 on-ramp, said it was “the best godderned piece of shit I’ve licked all week.” Zagat’s review came shortly after... MORE »
Breaking News: College Professors Are Old
A recent study conducted by the Old People Association of Educational Things and Stuff found that 89% of all college professors are indeed age 60+. And yet, the test not only measured physical age, but mental age, creating a record breaking statistic of all college professors with an elderly mental age at 99%. The study... MORE »
Spencer Pratt revealed to be undercover FBI agent
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com Twitter Credit: http://twitter.com/#!/spencerpratt Sicknasty Credit: Sir Spencer William Pratt of Hills It is widely accepted that USC is not only the world’s premier learning institution, but a national treasure. It is no wonder then that the federal government would be concerned about the University’s wellbeing after a few slip-ups in the last year.... MORE »
How to Hide Your Crazy From that Guy You Like
So you’re crazy. It’s OK! Unfortunately, you’re not that irresistible crazy/hot combo or you’d already be rolling in codependent relationships, crushing any soul naïve enough to open itself to you, and getting your tongue ring all up in whoever’s mouth you please. These suggestions, if followed, can save you some time before you too can... MORE »
Elephant feels “giant and awkward” this close to campus and doesn’t know how to bring it up
This big fella found himself alarmingly close to USC campus, just across the street in fact. Based on the reactions of ogling passerby (myself included), it was pretty clear that he didn’t exactly fit in. Even the shetland ponies felt a little weird having him there. While people weren’t exactly saying it, we all know... MORE »
Confessions of a Postmodern Baby, Part I
If you’ve taken CTCS-190 with Professor Casper, you definitely looked at the title of this article and half smiled, then nodded or rolled your eyes – probably depending on what your final grade in the class was*. If you have not taken CTCS-190 (Intro to Cinema), allow me to enlighten you with some Dr. Drew... MORE »
Sophomore discovers Facebook ‘happy birthdays’ less meaningful than she thought
“It’s ““ it’s basically just a wave, or a poke, even, nowadays,” sophomore Katy Ruiz chokes through stifled sobs. “I didn’t realize that this last little shred of e-happiness I had has been bastardized, just like the rest.” The distraught Ruiz refers to her recent revelation that Facebook “happy birthday” wishes are perhaps more casual... MORE »
Actors gather at The Shrine to perform savage ritual
On Sunday, January 30th the streets bordering the Shrine Auditorium across from the USC campus were shut down and loaded with security to accommodate the annual Screen Actors Guild Awards. This past weekend marked the holiest day of the year for one of the most mysterious and controversial religious factions to date: the Screen Actors... MORE »
Your Senior-Year Nega-Resume
Everyone’s got a resume that shows off what’s great, respectable and hire-able about them and its fanciness stands up even to their fancy interview clothes. Everyone, also, whether they’ve written it or not, has a Nega-Resume – which details just the opposite. LADY TROJAN - Senior (310) still – givesafakenumbersometimes forwardstomy@dolphinsemailfrom8thgrade.com EDUCATION LOWLIGHTS High school ““... MORE »
How To Feel More Like You’re At Hogwarts While At USC
If you’re anything like me, then your sole goal/purpose in life is to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This may mean you spent many nights as a child (or adult, same thing) insisting to God that it’d be a totally fair trade if you were to wake up in the Gryffindor common room... MORE »
The Six Ways USC Has Ruined Me
1) Cost Let’s not play games. We all know what will be haunting all of us long into senility: $200,000 worth of blood money. Because of this, I can see only two outcomes for when I’m old: 1) I will be able to afford kids and not a house. 2) I... MORE »
Another USC Look Alike
Realized I forgot an important one. (Based on his infamous Wikipedia page.) MORE »
USC Celebrity Look Alikes
SC sees a lot of celebrities come in and out of its gates. It sees even more non-celebrities who look vaguely like celebrities, however. Below, I’ve compiled a list of some of the USC look alikes, including our Campus Basement writers, and some more well-known figures. Think You Can Do Better? If you have any... MORE »
Dating Advice From Someone Who Wasn’t Pathetic On Valentines Day
Hey, Amy Hudson… first off, I really hated you in high school. But thank God I can put all that behind me now that I’m older and more mature; and understand that you were largely reacting from a place of insecurity. I don’t even remember that time you told Mr. Weinsoff I missed the presentation... MORE »
A Look At The Ralph’s Clearance Rack
Being in college means living on a budget. Living on a budget can be hard (just ask my father who pays all of my credit card bills). Going to school at USC (e.g. University of Spoiled Children, University of Second Choice, University of Skillful Citizens, University of Succulent Cranberries, or University of Modest But Also... MORE »
How To Feel More Like You’re At Hogwarts While At USC
If you’re anything like me, then your sole goal/purpose in life is to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This may mean you spent many nights as a child (or adult, same thing) insisting to God that it’d be a totally fair trade if you were to wake up in the Gryffindor common room... MORE »