Everyone’s got a resume that shows off what’s great,
respectable and hire-able about them and its fanciness stands up even to their
fancy interview clothes.

Everyone, also, whether they’ve written it or not, has a
Nega-Resume – which details just the opposite.





















LADY TROJAN - Senior 

(310) still – givesafakenumbersometimes

forwardstomy@dolphinsemailfrom8thgrade.com


EDUCATION LOWLIGHTS

High school ““ 2004-2008 – Concentration: getting into an Ivy League
school; Defining moment: crying over being salutatorian; voted “most likely to take
it personally if not awarded a superlative”

College ““ 2008-2012 (anticipated) – Not Ivy League But Still Like A Really Good
School For What I Want to Do; Concentration: Being Totally Fine With That

 

AWARDS

Acceptable-ish student ”“ College

Never bought books (noticed that they were expensive)

“I prefer to decide myself what I get out of my education” = “I don’t take notes and, seriously, MLA format can die in a fire”

Addicted to the adrenaline of barely making deadlines


The Klepto Roommate ”“ Sophomore year

Got some very cute clothes and, accidentally, some spoons


Didn’t Wash A Single Dish ”“ Spring 2010

Really busy at first, then just wanted to see if I could


EXPERIENCE (I’M NOT PROUD OF)

Obligatory white-kid
rap phase
““ 2006-2008

Lifelong alternation between bragging
about knowing and pretending I don’t know the lyrics to “The Eminem Show”

 

Really slutty
period
““ Fall 2008

Because why not

~2/5 of these people make me sort of happy

 

Less slutty period ““ Spring 2009-Spring 2011

Listen I don’t want to do this
anymore except for when I want to do this anymore

The TA and the completion of my color
wheel were totally worth relapses

 

Oh god what is
that
““ Nov 2009-Dec 2009

Probably nothing

Oh god oh god oh god it’s totally
something

Might as well commit hara-kiri
before this gets out

Doctor says ingrown hair.

Well this is going to my grave

 

First
relationship
““ Spring 2011

Who needs friends or acquaintances

Obnoxious PDA – Became what I once hated

Pet names (secretly)
(and then, horrifically, not-secretly)

 

Special skills ““ Morally superior to people who don’t drink soy milk; sleeping
sitting up; only smoking while drunk; judges everyone else who smokes while
drunk; proficient with Excel

 

Things I keep doing for fun even though they’re always a
terrible decision
““ All-nighters;
tequila; being high at parties; not wearing a bra; attractive jerks; not-attractive
jerks; admitting to anyone I have anything worth borrowing; picking at it

 

REFERENCES

RA I avoided addressing
all year because I couldn’t pronounce/spell his name

Amy ““ Hooked up with her
longtime crush

Ben ““ I liked his
roommate better

Professor Chu ““ Has one
doctor’s note from me for every paper we were assigned