Spring, nature’s horniest season, has
sprung. It brings with it a well-deserved break, a welcome increase in
temperature, an all-around increase in fun and ““ you guessed it ““ a titillating
surge in the wearing of god’s most perfect garment: the bro tank.
Dr. Elle Rosas, USC Superintendent of Student Chastity,
warns the seasonal influx of tanks impairs judgment to a dangerous degree. “This
is a time where students need especially to be protected from themselves. They’re
prone to doing things they wouldn’t normally.”
The effect has been dubbed “bro tank madness” by Dr. Rosas,
and symptoms typically include a drunk-like state and increased tolerance of
frat culture, as well as the famous, ahem, raging amorousness.
There is hope, she insists. “Easy fixes include dark
sunglasses, blinders, and staying indoors until October or so.”
A fraternity higher-up, tank fluttering majestically in the
warm breeze, was reached for comment; however, when asked about the effect of
the shirts on the sexually active student body he just high fived a guy sitting
next to him and grinned, nodding. (I may or may not have then done some things
“Many find themselves
blinded by the daring cuts and bold colors of the clothing,” she explains. “Otherwise-honorable
students”¦ and faculty”¦ have been known to fall under the tanks’ majestic gaze.”
Non-Row folk looking to adopt the power of the shirts have
yet to perfect the art, but there is hope. “They stand for all that is beauty! Temptation!
Statuesque!!” Dr. Rosas sputters, yelling from where she stands on her desk.
I asked the Superintendent about hope for the future, if we’d
ever be able to keep our heads in the face of the bro tanks; she yelled
something about Greek gods of war and love and some guy named Kevin, ripped off
her blouse, and hurled herself screaming out her window.