Misery and despair swept the USC campus this week after a sweeping social ban hit fraternity row. What was formerly “Thirsty Thursday” became “Thoroughly Depressing Thursday,” and what used to be “Fratty Friday” became “Stop Playing That Fucking Rebecca Black Song, It’s Not Funny Sober.”
Evidence of lives upturned and dreams shattered could be found everywhere through the university park campus. Girls in heels and cocktail dresses meandered confused through campus, begging strangers for Jello shots. A bro-tanked, far-too-sober man feebly attempted to start a fight with a DPS officer, only to be ignored in favor of spinning more cookies on the DPS chariot. Perhaps most depressing was the man in an inner tube, water wingies, and cheap sunglasses who dipped his foot into the finger fountain and could be heard muttering “too cold…too cold, bro.”
A number of students shared similarly sad stories. “I tried going to a bar downtown,” said junior Victoria Watson. “They said I had to pay for my drinks, even though I’m actually a really hot girl, and nobody had jungle juice. Plus they didn’t play Lady Gaga once. Not once!”
“I was feeling lonely so I went with a few buddies to Chano’s, you know, recapture the magic?” Said sophomore Craig Rudov. “Have you ever tried to eat at that place sober? It’s fucking impossible. How do they even stay in business?”
A representative from Chano’s could not be pulled away from dipping tortillas into lard long enough to comment.
Similarly nostalgic was senior Nathan Rodriguez. “I tried peeing on a building because it’s, like, what we do, you know? But it just made my johnson cold.” Rodriguez fought back tears before his next statement: “I tried to throw up, you know? Shoved my fingers down my throat right in front of Doheny. I just…I just wanted to feel something again. But now my throat hurts and all I feel is emptiness.”
But not all Greeks have turned to despair in these dark times. Some, like junior Leara Stampler, have taken up athletic endeavors. “I tried Piloxing–it’s Pilates plus boxing. It’s seriously a real thing. It’s so cool–now that I can kick ass, I feel like guys really respect me. I always wondered what that felt like.”
Others, like David Lutes, turned to less violent alternatives. Lutes, who insisted on being interviewed for this article, said that Bollywood dancing has become his new passion. “Bro it’s fucking great. Like, yeah, it’s not like a brother can really get his grind on to this music and shit, but the girls are fuckin’ hot. Have you seen the way they move their hips? Shit.” Lutes, who is white, continued by saying “Dayumn. Shit. Dayumn, bro.”
Other Greeks were too busy attempting to break into rooftops to comment.