If you didn’t contribute to The Hunger Games chowing down (har har har) $152.5 million at the box office this weekend, I congratulate you. Not really though because I saw it twice (i.e. I really liked it) and encourage “It’s a Battle Royale rip-off!!!” naysayers to stop whining. Anyway, I walked away from the movie deep in thought (those Blue Raspberry icees are very ponder-inducing). WHAT IF SOMETHING LIKE THE HUNGER GAMES REALLY EXISTED? Since I am incredibly weary of fights to the death (though we should always fight on!), my theoretical USC Hunger Games would be a survival of the fittest campus challenge that would grant the winner free tuition for the remainder of their time plus a Trojan Plan each semester (you know, for the “hunger” part). All losers must immediately transfer to that other school in Los Angeles.

 

The Reaping

There will be forty tributes instead of twenty-four (that’s two from each of the schools listed online). As a punishment for the on campus debauchery, the Reaping will be held at 6am on the morning after the Fountain Run at the respective professional schools. You must wear cardinal and gold. The most awkward academic advisor from each school will draw the names.

 

The Interviews

After thorough makeovers (obviously involving vintage gowns and tuxes in various shades of cardinal… and gold), the tributes will be interviewed in Bovard Auditorium by none other than Dr. Drew Casper. A blue haired Stanley Tucci doesn’t hold a candle to mid-lecture Drew Casper. (If you need proof, here’s Professor Casper entering Norris Cinema Theatre on a bike as Elliott from E.T.).

 

 

The Gamemakers

The Segway riding DPS officers, duh. (Particularly those usually stationed at Trousdale and McClintock).

 

The Games

Tributes will be placed on some of the major construction sites throughout campus. They will eventually be led to Trousdale, where every single biker at USC will begin riding simultaneously. Terrifying. Whoever survives that round will be brought to EVK, where they will be forced to attempt to make a healthy meal.

 

Midway through the EVK round, the Games will get really meta and Alexander Ludwig will inconspicuously enter, wearing his Cato costume. He will then begin singing this. On a loop.

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This says: “I go to USC and am in a franchise film and acted with the Rock, I hang loose.”

 

Though most tributes will be eliminated in the EVK round, the Gamemakers/DPS officers will blindfold the tributes and put them in the Doheny bookstacks.

Only one will come out.