The very foundation of college life was rocked today when Dave
Dover, an attractive freshman male just like any other, calmly announced to his friends and
colleagues over breakfast that all he really wants is a serious, long-term
relationship with a classy girl and will settle for nothing less.
“I’m a young guy that’s just starting out, and I’m meeting a
ton of new people every day,” Dave explains. “If one of them is really awesome,
why wouldn’t I want to commit myself
before they get away?”
Dave doesn’t seem to understand how his unconventional
statements are affecting those around him.
“I thought Dave and I were pretty good friends, he seemed like
a nice normal guy, but after this, I don’t know what to believe anymore,” says
Rob, Dave’s freshman dorm roommate. “You can’t possibly tell me that’s what
girls secretly want from guys right now and pretend they don’t just so we’re
not scared off. That’s ridiculous.”
Much like Dave’s roommate, the rest of the university is
struggling to process this strange attitude.
“I don’t have a problem
with it, he can do whatever he wants, I just don’t think he should be talking
about it in public like that,” explains a member of the USC faculty that wished
to remain anonymous. “It goes against science, and I’m head of the science
department, so”¦ wait, does that give me away?”
Women are startled by the news as well.
“I literally choked on my toast,” says Frieda, a fellow freshman
that overheard the unsettling declaration this morning. “He might as well have
said he prefers just cuddling over a hookup. It makes no sense.”
Though Frieda was only speaking in hyperbolic terms, she
wasn’t too far off.
“You’re asking me to choose between either cuddling with ONE
girl that makes me laugh, doesn’t care that I wear a retainer at night, and
always wants some of my food, OR hooking up with several hot willing strangers
who I don’t have to talk to ever again, whenever I want?” repeats Dave
thoughtfully. “That’s kind of extreme and unrealistic since girlfriends
probably wouldn’t always just want to cuddle, either.”
“Wait, girlfriends do more than just cuddle and ruin your
life??” yells a bewildered passerby. Dave continues unperturbed.
“So my choices are cuddle with a girlfriend or hook up with a
hot stranger? Do you really have to ask?”
Yes, I reply.
“The one girl, hands down. It’s not like being with one person
that you really like for a long time is scary or anything. “
Either something is terribly wrong with Dave, or dare I say,