“It was only a matter of time,” muses Fire Chief Fred as he
looks on at the ashen remnants of what was once a tall proud building.

About four years ago, USC pooled funds to build a
revolutionary special interest housing: an entire building specifically for
people that enjoy pulling fire alarms.

“When I first heard about the project, I was immediately
excited,” says Dirkus, a freshman and serial dormitory alarm puller. “Just the
idea of being around other like-minded people, and to have a place where I
really belonged, well it just made me so happy I pulled a fire alarm to
celebrate. I should have known joy like that can’t last.”

alarm pullers weren’t the only ones with something to celebrate. Student
housing across the board saw a dramatic drop in fire alarms when the new
building, named after donors Ida, Damons, Ivan, O’Reilly, Topper, and Salazar,
or IDIOTS, was erected.

that IDIOTS housing went up, it was the best thing that had ever happened,”
reports Tammy, a junior. “We never had fire alarms at night again, and I
finally didn’t have to wear sexy pajamas anymore.”

“I wasn’t
as much of a fan. I mean I got a lot more sleep, but it definitely had downsides,”
says Greg, Tammy’s boyfriend.

As it
turns out, all of these changes were soon to be obsolete, because after years
of pulling false alarms, reality had to catch up.

just so tragic,” says Dirkus through tears. “I mean I’ve read about them and
seen movies, but I never actually thought fires were real. I guess I was

So very wrong.

nights ago, when yet another fire alarm went off in the IDIOTS building, it was
business as usual. There was no panic or any effort to look into a fire, just
rounds of giggles and high fives. Before long the whole place was up in smoke.

“I’m not
saying they got what they deserved,” says Fire Chief Fred, pulling his eyebrows
into a sympathetic formation, “but they got what they hmmverved.”

I asked
Fire Chief Fred to speak up, so we could catch that last word. It sounded a lot
like “deserved.”

Before we
could get to the bottom of his sentence, a fire alarm went off somewhere in the
distance, and it was time to go.