The 3rd century Roman was martyred for forcing
people who were dating to decide too early whether they wanted to commit to an
expensive night of manufactured romance. He was slowly burned to death by a crowd of bitter singles and angry casual daters.
FUN FACT: Stupid presents are a vestigial relationship
tradition, invented when science believed women required shiny or fuzzy objects
to keep them in one place at a time (officially up til c. 1993).
We now know it’s not true for ALL women.
St. Valentine was also the originator of forcing people to Define
The Relationship any time of year. He was praised when successful but killed
many “I think we just have a cool thing going on”s.
FUN FACT: The opposite of St. Valentine is Bromega, patron
saint of casual relationships.
Valentine pioneered setting aside certain days to ask for
unusual sexual favors or requests. It has been said he designated over 300 specific days, but modern society only recognizes birthdays, Feb. 14th, and when your team loses in the playoffs.
FUN FACT: The popular bear holding a heart stuffed animal
was created in the likeness of St. Valentine’s pet bear, who killed many people. You may recognize him as Bitey, the patron saint of mauling.