Written by Leah Folta and Lia Woodward


DPS robbery reports have upsurged unsettlingly
this semester, and we here at
 CB have noticed (napping on our desks isn’t all we do, Mom). There seem to be more robberies at more
unusual times of day, and students are being put in danger over ridiculously minor
personal possessions. Getting mugged at 10 AM in a student-heavy neighborhood
is absurd ““ but, based on some previously-unreleased reports we managed to
uncover, some past incidents are apparently even absurd-ER.




 




University of
Southern California

PUBLIC SAFETY

CRIME ALERT


The University Of Southern California Department Of Public Safety is providing

this notice of a criminal incident that occurred in our community in order to provide

information that may help in avoiding a similar crime or provide information to solve

this crime. This notice is also intended to meet the requirements of the “Timely Notice”

provisions of the federal Jeanne Cleary Disclosure of Campus Security Policy and

Campus Crime Statistic Act of 1998.

 

ARMED ROBBERY

 

 DATE
& TIME OF OCCURRENCE:  May 3, 2011 at
approximately 11:05 AM

.

LOCATION: Front
left desk, room 105, VKC (on campus). 

 

REPORTED
OFFENSE:

 

The complainant
reported that she was taking a midterm when the suspect, posing as a student
seated in the desk next to her, produced a weapon and demanded her property.
The complainant replied that all she had was a pencil. The suspect repeated the
demand. The complainant complied, the suspect muttered “thanks” and used her
pencil to complete his midterm.

 

 

 SUSPECT
DESCRIPTION (provided by complainant)

 

Suspect #1:
Male, 5’5″-5’11″, 125-215lbs, last seen under a desk.

Vehicle: Desk

——————————–

ARMED ROBBERY

 

DATE & TIME
OF OCCURENCE: January 12, 2011 at approximately 12:00 PM

 

LOCATION: W.
34th St. between Thornton and School of Cinematic Arts (on campus)

 

REPORTED
OFFENSE: 

 

The complainant
reported that he was carrying his guitar and sipping an iced beverage from the
Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on his way to guitar class when the passing suspect
produced a taser and demanded the complainant’s property. The complainant began
to comply by surrendering the guitar, however the suspect also demanded the
iced beverage. The complainant handed over both items. The suspect sipped the
iced beverage, voiced his disappointment and returned it to the complainant.
The suspect fled the scene.

 

SUSPECT
DESCRIPTION (provided by complainant)

 

Suspect #1:
Male, 6’2″, last seen shoving a guy carrying a cello.

Vehicle: Fast
Legs 

—————————————-

ARMED ROBBERY

 

 DATE
& TIME OF OCCURRENCE:  November 1, 2010 at approximately 2:45 PM

.

LOCATION:
Parkside Arts and Humanities lawn (on campus)

 

REPORTED
OFFENSE:

 

The complainant
reported that she and several friends were exiting the dormitories when the
suspect jumped out from behind a tree and demanded all their property. The
complainant and her friends tried to ignore him, but the suspect produced a weapon and waved it at the
complainant.  The complainant complied and handed over her backpack. The
suspect again demanded he take everyone’s property, and the complainant’s five
friends complied. The complainant watched the suspect slowly attempt to flee
the scene with all six backpacks.
The complainant offered to help the suspect, who insisted he do it himself. 

 

 

 SUSPECT
DESCRIPTION (provided by complainant)

 

Suspect #1: Male,
average height, overconfident about upper body strength. 

Vehicle:
None seen. 

 


ARMED ROBBERY

 

DATE & TIME
OF OCCURENCE: September 13, 2010 at approximately 5:15 pm

 

LOCATION:
Doheny Library Women’s Restroom (on campus)

 

REPORTED
OFFENSE: 

 

The complainant
reported that she was using the restroom facilities when the suspect entered
the stall next to her and produced a gun from beneath the wall that separated
the two stalls. The suspect demanded toilet paper from the complainant. The
complainant complied with a generous amount. The suspect flushed and fled the
scene, without washing her hands.

 

 

SUSPECT
DESCRIPTION (provided by complainant)

 

Suspect #1:
Female, wearing eye-catching red shoes, mole on right foot. Probably dirty
hands.

Vehicle: Toilet

—————————————

 

ARMED ROBBERY

 

DATE & TIME
OF OCCURENCE: April 16, 2010 at approximately 7:28 pm

 

LOCATION:
McCarthy Quad (on campus)

 

REPORTED
OFFENSE: 

 

The complainant
reported that he and a group of friends were playing frisbee when the suspect
approached on a skateboard, brandished a weapon, and demanded that they stop
the game. The complainant and his friends complied. The suspect then demanded
that he be allowed to play a few rounds. Weapon still in hand, the suspect played
frisbee with the wary complainant and his friends. Once satisfied, the
complainant collected all present wallets, for good measure. Finally, the
suspect demanded the frisbee, which the complainant surrendered without a
struggle. As hard as he could, the suspect threw the frisbee obnoxiously far
away from the complainant and his friends, laughed about it, and fled the
scene.

 

SUSPECT
DESCRIPTION (provided by complainant)

 

Suspect #1:
Male, 5’7″, may be sustaining a wound after riding around on a skateboard with
a weapon.

Vehicle: Douchey
skateboard

——————————————-

 

ARMED ROBBERY

 

 DATE
& TIME OF OCCURRENCE: February 22, 2010 at approximately 8:15 AM

.

LOCATION:
Trousdale (on campus)

 

REPORTED
OFFENSE:

 

The complainant
reported he was on his cell phone on his way to class when he was approached by
suspect #1, who produced a weapon and demanded his property. The student was
about to comply when suspect #2 approached, produced a weapon and demanded the
complainant’s property. Suspect #1 began to protest by saying “HEY, wait just a
second here!” when suspects #3 and #4 approached the scene from opposite
directions, saying “But I was-” “But you were-” “HEY!” While they argued,
suspects #5, 6, and 7 also entered the scene, producing weapons and demanding
the complainant’s property. The suspects tried to work out who had claim to the
complainant’s property, all raising very good and valid points. Suspect #4
backed down “like a gentleman,” because he had already mugged several people
that day. Suspect #6 mentioned casually that it was his birthday. All suspects
raised a unified voice of agreement that suspect #6 deserved this one; it was
his day. Suspect #2 suggested they all go out for ice cream. All suspects fled
the scene.

 

 SUSPECT
DESCRIPTION (provided by complainant)

 

Suspects
1,2,3,4,5,6 and 7: All Male, All 150-200 lbs, All last seen at Baskin Robbins.

Vehicle: None
seen

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