Coachella Weekend 2 is upon us, which means at least a few thousand college students will not be reading this until Monday afternoon.

Jim Nobody, a USC junior, attended his first Coachella during Weekend 1, and experienced it in full. Earlier today he was able to share that experience with us.

“I think my favorite part was actually the lengthy, roundabout walk that you have to do in order to enter and exit the festival,” said Nobody. “Oh wait, no, actually it was waiting in a giant line for the thorough pat down and subsequent disposal of my water bottle and umbrella that I enjoyed.”

Nobody had always heard that Coachella was famous for its freezing cold weather, so when temperatures were running low during weekend 1, Nobody was completely prepared with plenty of warm clothing. “During the nighttime performance of The Black Keys, I was totally comfortable standing in the cold and the rain, because I knew to come dressed for freezing and wet,” Nobody explains. “Did I mention standing all weekend actually made my back feel better?”

Nobody went on to tell us that he thought all of the food was excellently priced, that being shoved by people trying to snake their way to the front of the crowd during Bon Iver is not at all infuriating, and that he did not notice any drugs, alcohol, scantily clad people, or wannabe hippies of any kind throughout the whole weekend.

In spite of Nobody’s positive opinions mentioned above, when we asked him how he felt about his overall experience, his response was mediocre at best.

“The Black Keys? Bon Iver? Florence and the Machine? Gotye? RadioWHO? I don’t think anyone likes their music. Why were they even at this festival?” Nobody asks aloud, deep in thought. “I definitely could have used more of the sign language interpreter that was only at SOME of the band performances. I thought it was really necessary to have one of those, you know, given it’s a festival where the point is entirely about listening to sounds.”

Since returning from the festival, Nobody has made zero references to his experience at Coachella, on the internet or in person. As Nobody explains, “I know and understand that any facebook status I might have about Coachella is not going to be unique, and will only annoy everyone I know unless they were also there to see Tupac’s hologram ghost, which by the way I thought was really unimpressive and I don’t want to talk or speculate about it.”

I asked Jim Nobody if he thought it was worth it to have gone to Coachella at all, to which Nobody replied, “Even though I enjoy paying that much for tickets in general, my answer is no, because I now know there is nothing about Coachella that is memorable or amazing or fun or any other adjective I usually hear from people who go.”

As Nobody summarized, “It was one of the best weekends of my life on opposite day.”