Let’s not play games. We all know what will be haunting all of us long into senility: $200,000 worth of blood money. Because of this, I can see only two outcomes for when I’m old:
1) I will be able to afford kids and not a house.
2) I will be able to afford a house but not kids.
This is, of course, the primary way the great Cardinal and Gold has non consensually analcoursed me. The very fact that I’ll be paying for Modern Philosophy and the Meaning of Life while I’m paying for Missy McILoveOldPeople’s degree at Keck in Gerontology makes me want to go to that class even fewer than the two times I have this semester.
2) Self Loathing
Because I have no money I have to buy things like this:
And then this to make the former edible:
And then this to staunch my tears:
And then I have to carry around a picture of me at 17…
To show people that I didn’t always look like this…
But what makes it all worse is that we have about fifty too many gyms (and about fifty too few Wetzel Pretzels), and there are people running in the windows in ALL of them. Constantly. Running and looking like people I hate. Stupid pretty douchebags.
I mean, it would be okay that I had never touched a treadmill or an Antelope (or whatever it is)
If I went to some shitty little liberal arts college where everyone is… soft.
But no, I go to USC. Home of men with large breasts and women with strange, bumpy stomachs.
And because I will never have large breasts or bumpy stomachs I hate them all and hope they die of a freak Antelope accident.
3) Shitty Living Space Acceptable
Since staying in a variety of USC apartments I’ve lost the ability to determine a shitty living space. I think they’ve gotten worse, but frankly they meld into a homogenous blend of 70s architecture, never-present landlords, and breaking toilets. I honest to God clogged a Century with floss once.
I’ve also clogged a Century toilet with a sanitary device.
Regardless, I’ve grown accustomed to incredibly shitty housing that, for example, I was shocked that when in my friend’s building they informed her before shutting off her water for repairs… FANCY! I was also shocked that when her vent broke, they fixed it… OOH LALA! And that the ghost of a murdered frat boy didn’t haunt her bathroom and clog the toilet with floss and sanitary devices… HOLY COW!
4) White SUVs
I used to be able to look at a white SUV and think “that must just be another Suburban mom contemplating the worthlessness of her life now that her only son has become a crack addicted misogynist who sucks her of life and funds.” But now I’m plagued with the fear of DPS. I cannot go on the freeway without thinking every white SUV is a DPS car ready to pull me over and do nothing.
I’ve honestly been in Boston and had a mini panic attack when I saw a white van coming right at me while I was going like 80 mph. It’s not easy though, and just to test you, let’s play a little game I like to call…
First look at this Ford Expedition coming at you head on and wait to see what it is after it passes you…
Is it DPS?
Is it DPS?
Is it DPS?
Congratulations! You’ve won…
There is no prize.
5) My Cat
So I thought it would be a good idea to take home a stray kitten, give it an ironic name, and love it forever.
It turns out forever is a really long time. Approximately twenty-odd years. And now I have to keep that kitten until it dies.
Because I’m responsible.
I mean sure, it might have been more responsible to not get a kitten in the first place. But she was so FLUFFY! Now she’s not even a kitten anymore. She deceived me and revealed her true form after only a few short months. That of a cat. No more is she Lil Bow Wow. No. Now she is just Bow Wow. (Or Average Sized Bow Wow, if you will.) And I still have to keep her even though she totally lied.
6) Life Will Never Be So Good
Aside from all the shitty things I’ve had to endure because of USC (we didn’t even touch on football or cult behavior), there is one thing that is clearly the worst. I realized something really, really terrible the other day. I’m going to have to graduate. And then I’m no longer a USC student. Between the glory that is the Cinema School and the fact that everyone treats me like a student who doesn’t know how to live.
It’s pretty much one of the best things that has ever happened to me. And I’m going to have to leave one day. And be a real adult person. And it’s going to totally suck. But for now…
I’m still chillin’.
Cue outtro music.
Cue outtro Heath Ledger.