It’s the end of the year, y’all. We’d like to share all the helpful hints we were given in 2011 about how we should change, and what we do (or don’t) plan to do about them – after all, they’re our last resolutions before the universe explodes. We want to make them count.
Ex: “I don’t think I ever want to get married.”
Resolution: Don’t marry my ex. Especially now.
Current crush: “I’ve always kind of liked long hair.”
Resolution: No haircuts. Ever again. Extensions!! Where can I get extensions?!
Guy I’m Seeing: “Your friend looks really good in that dress.”
Resolution: Uglier friends.
Jerk: “Oh this lunch was just… as friends.”
Resolution: Cry in public less.
Boyfriend: “So… Did you want to try that thing we talked about?”
Resolution: Be asleep next time this comes up.
Girlfriend: “Don’t you want to get out and do, you know, more active stuff on the weekends?”
Resolution: Be… busy.
Professor: “I’m sorry, I don’t date students.”
Resolution: Next poem explaining why we’re meant for each other should be longer.
Boyfriend: “Honestly? Yes, those jeans make you look fat.”
Resolution: Get fatter, blinder boyfriend.
Boyfriend: “Hey do you want to go on a run with me?” “
Resolution: Break boyfriend’s legs.
TA: “This is the last extension I can give you.”
Resolution: Research TA’s sexual orientation ahead of time from now on.
Gregoire from Interpretive Dance Class: “Oh honey, I’m flattered but…”
Resolution: …Improve sexual orientation research.
Professor: “Your topic is not broad enough.”
Resolution: Print essays in landscape mode.
RA: “Wow, here again during break?”
Resolution: Steal condom bucket. To teach RA his place.
RA: “I’m going to stop planning these floor activities if no one comes.”
Resolution: Continue not coming. Plan nearly complete.
DPS: “We’re sorry about your bike, we’ve done all we can.”
Resolution: Finally put that cape and thirst for vigilante justice to use.
Campus Cruiser Operator: “We can’t drive you that far unless it’s an emergency.”
Resolution: Create an In-N-Out emergency.
Campus Cruiser Driver: “Late night study session, huh?”
Resolution: Rethink party wardrobe.
Mom: “That laundry isn’t going to do itself.”
Resolution: Have a stern talk with the laundry.
Sister: “I got engaged!”
Resolution: Remind everyone about that jar her hand got stuck in.
Dad: “Well I’ve heard of the Freshman 15, but I’ve never heard of the Junior 30!”
Resolution: Become so fat it’s too awkward to make fat jokes.
Dog: Bark bark bark! Bark! Bark BARK bark bark!
Resolution: No food for Scooby unless he uses his words.
Brother: “I can play my music as loud as I want.”
Resolution: Buy sibling-canceling headphones.
Cousin: “Are you serious?! Glee is like, my favorite show. Finn is the hottest.”
Resolution: Upgrade to Glee-canceling headphones.
Parents: “Spend more time with us.”
Resolution: Induce partial amnesia so they no longer remember their children.
Grandparents: “We’d like for you to meet a nice Jewish boy.”
Resolution: Find a nice Jewish boy, convert him to lesbianism.
Niece: “You know… smoking kills.”
Resolution: Remind her that punching does too.
Mom: “You know, caffeine is also addictive.”
Resolution: Hide some cocaine in a pants pocket. For perspective.
Boss: “We’re going to have to write you up if you fall asleep at the desk again.”
Resolution: Boss needs some perspective. Use cocaine in pants pocket.
Coworker: “You are so good at covering my shifts for me!”
Resolution: Get worse at covering shifts.
Guy in the next cubicle: “Can you do something for me?”
Resolution: Work on other intern’s work ethic.
Boss: “I need to you to come in over the holiday. What do you celebrate again…?”
Resolution: Convert from being a Jehovah’s Witness.
Boss: “Are you wearing pajamas?”
Resolution: Fancier pajamas.
Acquaintance: “Have a very happy birthday!”
Resolution: Don’t get broken up with on my birthday this year.
My friend David: “You’ve looked really tired lately.”
Resolution: Spend less time with David.
Kelly: “I know you guys used to date, but me and Ben are really happy together.”
Resolution: Research Kelly’s allergies.
Kelly: “I’m taking an EMT course before I go back to school!”
Resolution: Find my own needlessly altruistic pastime — take Ben’s CPR course.
Roommate: “I finished the paper I have due next week.”
Resolution: Get a cat.
Cat: “I hate you.”
Resolution: Get a dog.
Roommate: “Sorry dude, but I did leave the sock on the door.”
Resolution: Buy glow-in-the-dark sock.
Neighbors: “Please, please don’t come to our apartment ever again.”
Resolution: Find more effective carpet cleaner.
Friend: “Come with me to Africa to fight AIDS during Spring Break!”
Resolution: Cure AIDS before March so I can get my Cancun on.
Starbucks Cashier: “You still owe a balance of $3.50…hey COME BACK HERE!!”
Resolution: Always double-check I brought my wallet… and get used to Coffee Bean.
Taco Bell Drive Through: “Would you like your usual order, miss?”
Resolution: Keep voice disguiser in car.
Bevmo Cashier: “You again?”
Resolution: Keep… Face disguiser on face.
Boromir: “One does not simply walk into Mordor.”
Resolution: Learn to cartwheel.
Landlord: “Absolutely no pets allowed on the premises.”
Resolution: Make sure she doesn’t find the puppy mill in the bath tub…
Cosmo: “No one will love you unless you look like Jessica Biel and know 365 ways to touch him there!”
Resolution: Google Jessica Biel. And “there.”
Doctor: “You need to relax.”
Resolution: Google “relaxation.” Add to to-do list.