Special thanks to: Grace Talice Lee and Timo Yates.
This is my boyfriend.
Let’s call him Quonny McJeen.
This is his tiger shirt. Let’s call it awesome.
This is us.
So the other day we were driving in a very small car.
And he was all…
Except for not exactly. He actually said–
So the same thing.
And I was all like”¦
But also like–
Because he was talking about sports.
But there’s something you guys have to understand. I do not operate a meth lab nor do I
have a money tree.
What I do have is a Campus Basement account and literacy.
[Drawing by Grace Talice Lee]
So instead of watching tall, sweaty men run and”¦ throw things.
(I’m not a sports person.)
[My understanding of Sports. By Quinn Sosna-Spear, Age: 19]
I give you the gift of my hard labor and talent. The gift of
feelings.
[Cover art by Grace Talice Lee]
So”¦ Quonny. Here it is. It may not be what you wanted, but I’m
going to give you three reasons why this article is the best possible gift I
could have given you:
1)
The best gifts are homemade:
This was proven by
Jesus, or Santa or Captain Planet or something. Regardless, everyone knows it’s
factual. If a gift is homemade it is superior to the capitalistic alternative.
And if said gift happens to be a homemade, functioning light saber, or a homemade
copy of the Dirty Projectors new album”¦ all the better.
2)
It’s not what you were expecting:
You were
probably expecting something cool, like a functioning light saber or a copy of
the Dirty Projectors’ new album, or (based on the introduction to this article)
Lakers Tickets. But NO! GOTCHA! Just writing and pictures! Writing and pictures
is the ideal gift for both infants and you. Congratulations.
3) Easier to top later:
Assuming I
can stop myself from having lots of me-ow with a certain Coastal Carolina Coach
and you and I remain”¦how you say”¦ joined? by the next gift giving occasion,
this gift will be super easy to top later. Like, you’ll be pleased with a sock.
Or a stick of butter. (Although, that’s not really such a bad gift. I have
learned something in my many years as an adult”¦ and that is, butter is
surprisingly expensive. Holy shit! What’s the big difference between butter and
milk? Is it harvested from like the golden udders of butter cows?) Or even just
shitty versions of memes. I digress””this gift will make all other gifts that
much better.
Speaking of shitty versions of
memes, here are some adorable babies with words underneath them to evoke some
homemade emotions from your soul.
JUST KIDDING! LOL! I got you Lakers tickets.
Those weren’t adorab-animals proving my deep emotions and
shit. They were cover-ups, Mutha Fucka! Covering up the fact that in exactly
one month you will be sitting here:
Watching The Clippers beat the shit out of the Lakers. (Yeah
Clippers! <–Comment circa never.)
So yeah. Just playing about that whole homemade nonsense and
emotion crap. Emotions won’t let you watch Chris Paul dunk the SHIT out of Kobe
Bryant!
[I still don't understand sports.]
Because I couldn’t be there
to give this to you, I’ve decided to exploit our relationship for the people
who give me money instead.
God. I’m awesome at dating.
p.s. I’ve been watching a lot of videos about people
surprising other people with shit recently.
My surprise was better.
And by that I mean I’m pregnant.
And by “I’m pregnant” I mean you’re my future child’s gay grandfather.
And by “you’re my future child’s gay grandfather” I mean Merry Christmas.
