Dear Gov. Perry,

I’m not afraid to admit that the idea of me is a little
creepy. I mean, it says in a song that I can see kids when they’re sleeping.
And while that’s true, I don’t abuse my position of power to pedophilistically
spy on minors nor do I use it to publically condemn those who reside on the
naughty list. But now that you sir have chosen to abuse your position of power
and basically tell gays to fuck off in the name of Christmas, well then I hope
you don’t mind if I go ahead and abuse my position of power for a moment here.
And no, I’m not going to check in on little Johnny Martin again to see how he’s
pleasuring himself this hour.

Whatever part of your brain that made you come to the
conclusion that having homosexuals in the military means that kids can’t
celebrate Christmas to their heart’s content is either a part that most mere
mortals don’t have (or fanciful holiday characters, like myself) or a seriously
deficient part of it. I don’t see any military personnel walking around with
AK-47′s and “Hello My Name is Gay” nametags ready to fire at any kid that says
“Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays” at the mall. And if I did, I’d
probably go up and bitch-slap them myself. And then give them a candy cane.

Now that would be cause for some sort of outcry. But your
“Strong” message literally came out of nowhere. It was like if I were to suddenly tell everyone that I’m
going to stop delivering presents to all Asian Americans because the elves have
started do shots of gingerbread schnapps and I want to bet on which of the
lightweight girl elves is gonna hurl first. See how that doesn’t make any
sense?

Not only did your message confuse everyone by its moronic
logic, but you also seem to be a little behind in the times, my friend. What do
I mean by this? Dude”¦ BEING GAY IS COOL. It totally is! If you don’t believe
me, look at Neil Patrick Harris. Everyone loves that guy and he’s gay. (Did you
know that, Gov. Perry? I mean, it’s obvious that you haven’t really been
keeping up on the times here lately. So yeah, Doogie Howser likes dudes.
Surprise.)

But not only is being gay cool these days, but there really
is no problem with being gay. Trust me, if there was I would have a whole lot
less number of reindeer pulling my sleigh every year. Yeah, it’s no biggie that
Dancer and Prancer want to sleep next to each other with their reindeer boy parts
rubbing up against each other every night. Doesn’t make me love them any less.
And, let’s just get real for a second here, who doesn’t like their asshole
being played with a little bit in the sack? I mean, I get a kick out of it when
the Missus sneaks a little tickle down there with some tinsel after I get home
from my yearly delivery. If you deny this fact, then you’re even more of a liar
than we all thought before, Gov. Perry.

So let me briefly recap all the things that I wanted to say
to you here as I wrap this up like a present.

1.
There ain’t no problem with gays or being gay

2.
You’re a moron

3.
Welcome to the naughty list. Hope you enjoy your
permanent stay.

Ho ho ho, bitch.

-S. Claus

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