1. Riding the Magic School Bus
As a five-year-old, the idea of learning about the human body from inside the human body was basically the coolest thing ever (besides Barbie Jeeps). Ms. Frizzle was that quirky teacher – she’s kind of like the 90s version of Zooey Deschanel, minus the doe-eyes and singing abilities – I always wanted.
At nineteen, this is actually one of the more terrifying scenarios I can imagine. Crazy teacher forces her students to go into potentially fatal situations on a regular basis? Half of them probably had PTSD by the time third grade was over.
“Hey kids, today we’re going to get lost in the solar system, but don’t you worry, we have this average looking yellow school bus to take care of us!”
“Yes, today we’re going back to prehistoric times, but the T-rexes probably won’t eat us!”
2. Being Nala from The Lion King (and/or Cera/Ducky from Land Before Time)
I still get the appeal: you’re a badass lioness (or dinosaur) who basically has the entire Pride Lands (or, you know, pangea) at your disposal on account of your really awesome musically inclined best friend(s).
But when it comes down to it: you’re a two-dimensional animated character who has to endure your best friend leaving for several years (/thinking he’s dead), watching your friends and family starve under the dominion of a complete asshole, and you have to listen to those hyenas laugh ALL THE TIME. Also, you’re a bizarrely humanoid animal (or dinosaur).
3. An invitation to one of Mary-Kate and Ashley’s sleepovers
Cool back when they were adorable, wearing kind of matchy outfits, and still eating pizza.
Uncomfortable now that they’re emaciated, going for the homeless chic vibe, and probably shying away from carbs/pepperoni/dairy/greasy food.
RIP 90s MK&A:
4. Carrying Pokeballs around
As much as I wish I had a badass Pokemon in my pocket for protective services whenever Campus Cruiser tells me to take the tram (I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE TRAM IS), it makes me anxious just thinking about one of those opening up in my pocket. Is it like having to make sure you keypad lock your cell phone? What happens if a Pokeball opens up when it’s on your person? I feel like there would be a lot of clothing ripping and injuries endured.
5. Owning Lizzie McGuire’s wardrobe
Back before Hilary Duff had a child*, she was wearing lots of clashing pastels as Lizzie McGuire. What were my dreams made of? Visions of wearing Lizzie’s super super cute clothes!
Trends have changed… Thank God.
Though I’d probably get interesting looks walking around campus in this super popular, hot combination.
6. Being rescued by Spider-Man (or any superhero, really)
Mary Jane is always just like, “Oh wow, this is so great, I’m flying through the air via super sturdy webs that are shooting out of my boyfriend’s wrists!!!”
Uhh… wait. Wouldn’t that be terrifying?! Especially prior to knowing who he is, some masked weirdo grabs you off the street and starts flying through the air with you. And you’re only supported by weird stuff shooting out of his arms?
Shouldn’t MJ be a little more concerned about:
A) Being dropped (and dying)
B) Falling (and dying)
C) Slipping (and dying)
D) THE FACT THAT SOME GUY JUST GRABBED YOU AND PROCEEDED TO SWING THROUGH THE AIR HOLDING YOU
7. Hanging out with Harry Potter and co.
There are so many amazing things about Hogwarts. The food. The grounds. Hagrid. The whole magic thing. Hagrid. Lots of secrets. Hagrid’s cabin. To be honest… Harry isn’t one of the more alluring things about being a hypothetical Hogwarts student.
When he’s not fighting Voldemort, he’s complaining A LOT about his scar/Voldemort/girls/his scar/how hard life is. And all the years of tension between Ron and Hermione? And Ron being all insecure about himself because Harry’s so hot (and whiny)? Ugh, hanging out with them would be a really nerve-wracking (“oh, let’s go fight Voldemort again!!!” “oh let’s go do something illegal!!!” “oh let’s go get someone nearly and/or actually killed!!!”), but also just incredibly grating.
Shut up, Hermione, we get it your hair is really frizzy, but you’re a genius and end up blossoming well.
*People kept whining about how our childhoods were over last summer when the last Harry Potter came out. No, our childhoods collectively died when Hilary Duff became a mom.