It’s not just the freshmen that are rushing to something…

He was in a pastel pink tank top and Chinos. She was in a white blouse and black short shorts. His wayfarers were falling off his face. She had someone’s underwear on her head. Separately, they were merely fodder for another night on the Row. Together, however, they presented something revolutionary.

“It was shocking,” recounted Andrew Brown, President of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “I was shocked.”

Tommy Randall, Pledge Educator for Gamma Omicron Omicron Beta, added, “I wasn’t there given it was a ΑΣΣ party and I’m a ΓΟΟΒ and for me to go would cause a rift in the universe or whatever, but, from what I’ve heard, it sounds like one of those cautionary tales that circulate the Row. They’re spook stories we tell pledges. ‘Get with the wrong girl and the feelings will get you.’”

Though accounts vary widely, what has been discerned as the general consensus, or at least enough of one considering the fact that the accounts came from fraternity brothers, is sickeningly sentimental: Ryan Jackson, the Alpha Sigma Sigma against whom these allegations have been made, approached Tiffany Parker, a sister who was standing with a group of her fellow Sigma Tau Deltas, at roughly 11:30 PM. By 11:31 PM, however, it became clear to onlookers that Row-wide procedures were being ignored.

“There were no over-used opening lines, no subtle touches to her lower back, no drinks being provided,” recounted Benjamin Firestone, a brother in ΑΣΣ who went through his pledge semester with Jackson. “It completely ignored procedure. There needed to be something – anything – fraternal. In retrospect, even, like, violently spitting in her throat would’ve been less of an upset for our organization.”

“It was shocking,” recounted Brown. “I was shocked.”

Instead, Jackson, after pulling away mid-pucker, allegedly complimented Parker on her hair. She, allegedly, was so affected by the comment that she thanked him, and said he, allegedly, had a nice smile. The ΣΤΔs that surrounded her, however, took his comment at face value, and attacked.

“Sometimes these boys forget their place,” ΣΤΔ House Mother Dolores O’Reilly stated. The ΣΤΔ house had, according to University records, avoided controversy relatively well over their 70 year history, barring one brief name change to Sigma Tau Iota (ΣΤΙ).

“Nobody calls it that anymore,” said ΣΤΔ Jessica Knox.

“I firmly believe my Sigma Tau Deltas acted in the best interest of one of their own,” House Mother O’Reilly stated. “Feelings have no place here. I am, quite frankly, rather disappointed in Ms. Parker.”

The encounter has lasting repercussions for the Row. Houses from Alpha to Zeta – rather, Omega – have taken measures to avoid Feelings from running rampant. Risk Managers have discussed implementing safeguards ranging from an increase in smoke, lights, and bubbles to distract patrons to forcing all partiers to wear blindfolds. The problem still stands, however: Feelings transcend physical appearances. Rather, attraction can stem from a personality. One has to look no further than Tiffany Parker.

While the Row has yet to issue an official statement regarding their proposed solutions to the outbreak, there has been one piece of advice floating from House to House: no matter where you go and what you do, don’t spend longer than an estimated ten minutes with anyone. Time breeds sentiment, a fact the Row is still reeling from.

“It was shocking,” recounted Brown. “What was the question again?”