This year, USC’s annual Beer Pong Tournament and Vermont Avenue Elementary School’s Cup Stacking Finals were held on the same day. USC also had the privilege of hosting both. Unfortunately, USC’s Planning and Events Committee (PEC) suffered a grievous mix-up and the venues for these events were switched.
Cup Stacking is an ESPN verified sport involving the rapid stacking and unstacking of twelve league sanctioned cups. The ideal athletes are generally between the ages of six and twelve. Beer Pong is a Wikipedia verified sport involving the rapid drinking of copious amounts of the cheapest beer available. The ideal athlete needs a hefty frame and practice screwing around with his balls.
“They both ordered so many cups,” explains Debra Harding, Chairman of PEC, “it’s only natural that we got confused.”
Indeed, the administrators weren’t the only ones baffled; when nearly 1,000 fraternity brothers entered the University Avenue residence being used for the championships, they were surprised to find the heavy, plastic (empty) cups set up for stacking.
Some were more confused than others.
21-year-old Josh Broden (Delta Chi) claims: “I tried drinking out of one of the cups for a really long time, and I still didn’t feel
a buzz. Chugged that bitch for an hour. I’m a fucking tank.”
After a half hour of taking their shirts off and bitching about the lack of attractive women, the Trojan Greeks realized what they had to do. They started stacking.
“I’m really familiar with stacked things,” explains Daniel Brostein (Pi Kappa Alpha), “so it was easy to stack cups. My girlfriend has D cups. I don’t know, people usually want to know that. She’s pretty hot. I have a Mustang.”
The brothers initially fumbled with the cups, setting them up with the dexterity of middle-aged sailors. Quickly, however, they regained their abilities and were soon involved in a heated battle.
Derrick Brogen (Alpha Tau Omega) was heard shouting “I OWN your stack,” after a particularly nail-biting round with Ron Broerfield (Sigma Phi Epsilon), who responded with a resounding, “Stack THAT bitch!”
While the men desperately tried to keep up, it was clear Gamma Epsilon Omega and Beta Omega Phi were in an inexplicable, significant lead. Gamma President, John Brozuki ended up the victor and is going home with the traditional Cup Stacking grand prize: A razor scooter, three Giga Pets, a gift card to Chuck E Cheese, and a box of Gushers.
While all other fraternities performed valiantly in the cup-stacking arena, Sigma Alpha Epsilon was unable to attend due to their extensive philanthropic activities. “We’re saving puppies from diamond mills in Africa,” Will Brosephson tells our international correspondent between sips of Perrier, ”we don’t have time for frivolous revelry where young men and women degrade themselves in the name of the naivety of youth.”
On a side note, passer-bys of Bovard Auditorium may notice the numerous red cups littered around and the strange odor emitting from the building. It should not be a concern. No DPS report will be issued as no USC students were directly involved in this incident.
Of the second graders who attended the fourth annual Beer Pong Tournament, fifty-seven were reported to the emergency room for vomiting, severe “tummy aches,” “the world is spinning.” “my head hurts,” and twelve cases of “Mommy, is this death?”
Third place winner, Cynthia Dawson was found wandering the campus spreading the meaning of life: “It’s love man, it’s love. And Dorritos. The meaning of life is Loveritos… I’m so fucked up right now.”
Second place winner Alvin Wu could be seen sobbing in Trousdale, lamenting that he had wanted to “live past ten.”
And finally Billy “Husky Kid” Humbert, eight-years-old, was named the Chugging Champion. His victory speech: “This stuff tastes like pee. I want to go home now.” Billy is indeed going home–with a lifetime’s supply of Natty Light and innumerable memories.