USC’s Department of Public Safety shocked students yesterday with a heartfelt confession of the truth behind their long held practice of breaking up good times of all kinds. “There’s always a problem when there’s a private party in a private residence,” Captain David Carlisle told student leaders and press.
“DPS never gets invited.”
Carlisle led the group of officers who came forward to reveal that the real offense of the USC student body was their inconsiderate nature. Officer after officer came forward with stories of unspoken rejection and alienation that would shame the dorkiest freshman.
Officer Miranda Wright spoke about a party at an unnamed fraternity which she helped break up over the weekend. “One minute, happy people were shufflin’ to “Party Rock Anthem.” The next, disappointed people were shuffling out the door, and they were looking at me like, “Why’d you do this?’ And they thought I was looking back all stern and disapproving, but that’s just the job. I was jealous.”
“It isn’t like we’ve forgotten what college was like,” said Lieutenant Lauren Dorder. “Like, we still go out and party; we’re, like, really cool people.” Dorder pledged the Delta Delta Delta sorority while a freshman at UCSB, and says that she misses the spirit of sisterhood she embraced there. “We’re not on duty all the time. Just, like, invite us once, see if you like us. You don’t even need to get us fakes.”
Genial but controlled in most of his public appearances, Captain Carlisle could not hide the tears in his eyes as he told the room how lonely he and and the rest of DPS really are. “Think about it. Even as freshman, USC’s culture tells students that we are the enemy. From the very beginning, it’s paranoid glances, half-concealed middle fingers, rude words, belligerence, disdain. How do you think it feels to be a part of the most hated group on campus, huh? How do you think it feels?”
After taking a moment to compose himself, Carlisle continued. “We see all these great people and we’d like to get to know them. Is that too much to ask?” When asked why DPS had not come forward before, he scoffed, retorting, “Do you walk up to random upperclassmen or frat bros and ask them to invite you to their house? No.”
As Carlisle was led away from the podium, there was not a dry eye in the room. Hardboiled Daily Trojan reporter Rachel Bracker was among those who could not bring themselves to rise from their chairs. “It’s devastating. I never thought to offer them beer, much less get them in the Facebook events.” A buzz of solemn conversation filled the room, planning mixers to kick off the DPS rush of the USC student body.
Though President Nikias could not be reached for comment, Vice President of Student Affairs Michael L. Jackson took a break from recording his latest pop smash hit to give Campus Basement’s reporters the administration’s perspective on DPS’s appeal: “If DPS wants to be starting something, we have nothing against it.” When pressed on the hazy legality of USC’s partying, Jackson would only say, “It ain’t too hard for me to jam.”