It’s Thursday. Bass pounds, the air reeks of cheap booze and
that one chick’s perfume (seriously, take it easy next time), the pledges are
wide-eyed and the spring semester shines on a whole new round of Row
debauchery.

Objectively, it’s fairly easy to see that these loud,
crowded, dimly-lit parties are designed to cater to people interested in
drunkenness and not much interested in talking, but the finer shades within
that can be seen based on what these people order at the sticky, sticky bar.

 

Shots

You thrive on this particular social atmosphere ““ you’re
here to get fairly drunk fairly quickly in a large group, flirt with the
bartender, and yell “wooo!” at just about anything.


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

You probably “just wanna dance” and are here “for your
girls,” and will be “totally surprised” at a totally spontaneous hookup with
some dude who seemed like he also just wanted to dance. Totally random.

 

Mixed drinks – rum
and coke/vodka cran/screwdriver, etc.

You are a normal person who is here to have a good time, but
are either too mature for or intimidated by some of the other nonsense that
goes on here (see: shotgunning, mixed drinks 2.0, vodka, no chaser). You’ll
probably drink water to avoid a hangover and accomplish whatever you’re
supposed to tomorrow. Good for you.


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

Occasionally, but come on. You’re better than this.

 

Mixed drinks 2.0 -
Pink Panty-Droppers/Jungle Juice/Jolly Ranchers, etc.

These are the loud, sugary cousins of shots or straight
vodka ““ they’re mixed to get you drunk but are deceptively sweet. You’re here
to get smashed in an ill-advised tiny dress, because come on, you’re a lady.


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

You’re probably worth a try. Though the tiny dress may make
them unnecessary.

 

Vodka Red Bull (or
other energy drink)

You are a hyperactive party machine ““ you’re getting
slizzered, but consider the getting-sleepy part of the night to be for those
wusses not giving 110%. Heart problems are for wusses also. “Work hard, play
hard” and “live fast, die young” are probably in your mental life-philosophy
library; you would make me tired.


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

Pretty likely. You’re probably the hookup equivalent of an
efficient, businesslike exchange.

 

Light beer

This is easy and quick to order, so you’re either lazy or
just want to be holding something rather than drinking it. I have a hard time
buying that anyone idly sipping a Natty is interested in either the taste of it
or cultivating any sort of buzz.


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

Probably not! You two can be friends. It is possible, but
you won’t put a lot of thought or effort into it.

 

Good beer

Someone gave you a Blue Moon. Congratulations. You’ve got an
in at the house and enjoy parading around with your good-tasting VIP status
symbol. You’re better than the lowly bottom-shelf drinkers but will party with
them so you can lord over them. What a wang. Nonetheless, I am jealous of you.


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

You’ll accept arm candy only – the way to your heart is your
ego. Or even better beer.

 

Light beer ““ Beer
pong

You’re laid back. A sportsman. Or possibly an obnoxious
showoff who enjoys pretending to be a laid-back sportsman. If you’re a girl,
you like the “one of the guys” niche you’ve carved out for yourself, but
probably also look forward to “spontaneously” using cleavage to distract the
opposing team.


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

You’ve got a penchant for people who are patient and willing
to play games. See what I did there?
Yes. Yes, you do.

Also, if the person hitting on you is on your team, their
chances increase exponentially (especially if you win). Victory make-out!

 

Light beer ““
Shotgunned

You’re loud, aggressive, and excited to demonstrate your
dominance over carbonation throat-sting. High fives are demanded! Those bubbles
are your bitch!


How likely are you to be amenable to skeazy
advances?

Extremely, but you are probably also amenable to passing out
on the floor.

 

Vodka, no chaser

You do not have the patience to keep squeezing your way up
to the pledge at the “bar,” so you’ve ordered as much vodka as he’ll give you
at once, no ice or mixers (only an obstacle in your eyes). You are efficient
and don’t believe in pretense; you are here to be drunk and, please, store
brand cola is not going to make Prestige better.


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

You’re probably the one bluntly and unapologetically making
them.

 

Chaser, no vodka

You are adorable. How did you, your nonalcoholic fruit
punch, and your unblemished soul wind up at this party”¦?


How likely are you to
be amenable to skeazy advances?

You’ll be friendly and polite, of course, but are only
receptive to (and deserving of) the classiest and most well-intentioned of
advances. Also, you are probably too busy supporting the weight of your trashed
friends to do much else.