Freshman couple, Suzzie Cooper and Matt Stevens, had been planning their first boy-girl sleepover, a first for both parties, for weeks. Plans were made to spend the night at Suzzie’s since she had an apartment and her roommate seems to mysteriously disappear between 10pm on Friday and noon on Sunday every weekend. Plans began to form over text message when Matt pointed out how rad it is that his parents are not around to restrict his behavior, a fact he had not taken advantage of until he used his kitchen scissors in the bathroom three days before his big plans with Suzzie. Suzzie quickly caught on to Matt’s, “unintentional,” way of pointing out their new freedoms. She promptly invited him over to watch Unbreakable, a movie he had recently raved about to her and she agreed that she liked, however neither of them had actually seen this movie.


I met Matt to further investigate what happened and to talk to him about what he thought went wrong. As I sat down to chat with him he was reading the label on the back of his Starbucks Iced Mocha-Coffee to ensure it was worthy of his consumption. I asked him what he attributed to the couples failure to copulate. “Well,” he started hesitantly, “she really seemed to be rushing into things. When I got there she was already in her PJ’s, if you could even call them that, and it wasn’t even close to bedtime yet. She seemed surprised when I asked her about watching the movie, like she had forgotten about the plans we had made or something. The movie watching went well, we snuggled the whole time, though she kept moving her legs up and down mine and staring at me instead of watching the movie, that got annoying pretty fast. The Movie was alright too I guess, a film major friend of mine recently told me it was his favorite superhero movie, I mean I wouldn’t really call that a super power, and there weren’t really any cool fight scenes, and it seemed to be really focused on inner turmoil and family issues, but that part where he lifted all the weights was pretty sweet.” He paused for a second clearly thinking about the scene as he used one of those rubber circles you get from home goods conventions and pampered chef sales women to help him open his iced coffee. He continued, “Clearly after the movie I wanted to talk about what I thought about it and how my day went, I had a really great story prepared about this guy I totally owned on Facebook that made me sound both witty and totally over the social norms that society blindly follows.” He giggled to himself and then sighed saying, “Anyway, she just didn’t seem to be interested in what I was saying, I mean she was staring at me and lightly spelled out her name on my chest with her fingertips a few times, but she obviously wasn’t actually listening. I just kept thinking about how my roommate always listened about my day and stuff, and he had said he wanted to talk about Unbreakable after I watched it. The overwhelming feeling that I might be missing some fun activity with him back at my dorm came over me. I rationally explained to her that I was feeling really homesick and that I think it might be best if I go home now because how could I really have fun the rest of the night while feeling like that?” He looked at me for affirmation and maybe an answer to his question. Doing what I could to keep his fragile physique in tact I simply said, “yea I recently saw an episode of iCarly with a similar plot.”


I tracked down Suzzie to get her side of things, when I asked her what went wrong she simply looked backed at me with an annoyed expression and said, “Eww, I was never gonna sleep with him either way!” I got the distinct feeling that her disgust for him immediately transferred to me just for asking.


On Matt’s walk home from Suzzie’s he immediately called his parents to tell them all about the ordeal. His mother answered and listened supportively telling him he did the right thing, his father, overhearing the story, simply whispered in an angry tone in the background, “seriously? tough it the fuck out.” Matt then returned home to his dorm where he was immediately sexiled to his floors lounge for the rest of the night.