Crumble

Louisville Cardinal fans are continuing to reel from the shocking injury suffered by sophomore Kevin Ware during the Elite Eight game against Duke University. A gruesome compound fracture caused Ware to crumple, and his right leg to literally collapse into itself. While spectators and experts alike debate the impact of this tragedy on his future career, we should all be pleased to know that one company has come to his aid.

Parker Brothers has offered Ware a year-long deal in order to promote their popular game “Jenga.”

“We were looking for a star,” General Mills states of his company, “and it was so fortunate that Ware should befall this exact injury which so appropriately shows the unique aspects of our product.” The General explained that people’s fascination with how quickly and violently Ware fell is similar to how families come together to demolish Jenga towers. “Customers will want to feel like they’re the ones gradually putting holes in Ware’s fragile bones,” he continues, “they want to make that tower holier than the BYU Cougars.”

He also states that there may be more coming Ware’s way. “We’re considering using a darker wood, coloring the inside with red paint, and filling it with white glitter fragments… we’ll even put two towers, a fibula and tibia, we’ll call it the ‘Cardinal Dream Crumble.’”

And, don’t cross your fingers, but in the far future: “eventually we hope to enable a ‘replay’ function so that families can watch the nauseating sight of their failure over and over again. And maybe we  can all start to feel a bit of the despair that the basketball star felt as the whole country watched his sports career fall apart and his board game stardom ascend.”