As we’ve all learned from that scene in the Nickelodeon movie Clockstoppers, and the entirety of The Replacements with Keanu Reeves, winning a DJ competition requires supernatural feats of speed and dread locks while becoming an NFL quarterback simply requires minimal talent, a complicated emerging love interest, and a lovable band of misfits. According to Keanu, coaching a little league baseball team happens to require the exact same things. Isn’t Hollywood great?
Matt Barkley, starting quarterback for the USC Trojans football team, has decided to stay at USC another year instead of heading to the NFL. While many believe this decision was made out of a desire to finish his college education, dedication to his teammates and perhaps a chance to play on a team that’s eligible to win a championship, Barkley has recently made it clear that the decision was based on a yearning to continue his blossoming career as a DJ on the USC campus. Though Barkley had little time for interviews due to his intense schedule of workouts, studies, and practice, I managed to get a few moments of his time in order to get his point of view. When asked what inspired this dream to be a turner of tables at USC, Barkley replied, “Any common ranch hand can play football, I’ve been doing it since before my body changed in all those scary and unexpected ways. It takes a real artist to dress up like a ragamuffin, put up fliers with my name in neon pink cursive, and fade beats into other beats. I also never really had any luck with the ladies when I was just the starting quarterback, now that I’m starting to be taken seriously as DJ/athlete, as opposed to the way everyone saw me before, athlete/DJ, I’m starting to get the type of girls that I really want to be with, ya know, the ones who want to be environmental studies majors for more than just because it makes them sound worldly at parties. The world of being a competitive DJ is no place for an old man, the NFL will always be there for me to fall back on, but the last thing I want to do is look back twenty years from now and wonder, what if?” As he stared off into the subjectless middle distance, obviously caught in a reverie filled with teenage girls requesting their jams and dividing the room into FELLAS and LADIES via the microphone, I began to wonder if Matt was making the wrong decision.
I sought out Seahawks recruiting director James Allen to ask his opinion on Barkley’s decision, he said, “I know Coach Caroll was really disappointed that Matt didn’t give up on his college education to come to the NFL a year early, but I see guys every year who are unhappy cause they don’t follow their real dreams. Barkley’s decision to stay and learn to fade the lows in first is one of the ballsiest movies I’ve seen in a long time, honestly, choosing to go to the NFL is a total wuss move.”
Out of sheer curiosity I decided to ask around to see if any of the people that had seen Barkley DJ had anything to say about his abilities in the field. Alex S. a sophomore enthusiastically exclaimed, “If Barkley lived in the 1940’s he would have had no trouble at all making phone calls.” “His beats are intense,” stated Dan F. a junior, “as the journalism on an inflight magazine.” Sarah G. a senior also said, “He’s more captivating than one of those sexual predator puppets the police bring around to local elementary schools.” So clearly Barkley really does have some natural skill given the eyewitness testimonials of his fans. Whether you agree with Barkley’s decision, or you think that DJing should be left to the British, ugly, or kids desperately looking to live up to their older siblings, at least now we all know exactly what Barkley meant when he said he had, “unfinished business.”
