Loganor over at Columbia Basement wrote an article awhile back called “If Disney Princesses Went to College.” And being a boy… I unabashedly loved it and couldn’t stop trying to figure out which princess each staggering co-ed I saw while riding my scooter home was. This then got me scared that I had all of the sudden become a really creepy sexist and I felt the need to give the ladies in the world a way to categorize all the stumbling guys out there on their campus. And what better way I thought then to work in the excitement that is The Avengers to this lovely article. So here’s who each member of The Avengers Initiative would be… if they went to college.
Iron Man/Tony Stark – The Rich Kid
Tony Stark, is that kid that you love to hate. He’s that guy in your Mechanical Engineering class that sleeps through the lectures and then aces every test. After class, he throws down his briefcase and pulls out his Iron Man suit just to fly a mere 3 blocks home back to his dorm. Whenever he wants to go to a frat party, he simply shows up at the door and slips a couple hundred-dollar bills in the hands of the bouncers and he’s in the door. But then gets kicked out of the party when he starts dancing drunk and doing Keg stands in his Iron Man suit again.
Captain America/Steve Rogers – President of Student Government
Along with his Vice President, Bucky, Steve Rogers commands the attention of the student body with his Presidential position in the Student Government. Unlike most SG Presidents, Steve makes sure that everyone knows what is going on with the up and ups by having weekly Town Hall meetings that everyone is invited to… that he attends in full Cap garb. Mostly people just want to show up for his big opening number as he walks in the door.
The Hulk/Bruce Banner – Closeted Homosexual
He’s one person when in that BioChem class you see him in – a mild mannered nerdy kid who seems to be pretty good with a Bunsen Burner – and then he’s another person at every party – rocking a little green Asian glow, smashing up everything he can get his hands on, and always with his shirt off. In fact, most of the time you see him he has his shirt off. There’s got to be a logical explanation for this… Oh wait, it’s all starting to make sense. No one he’s so inarticulate when you try to talk to him about his sexuality; always answering in no more than 2 words and always referring to himself in the third person. Hopefully one day he’ll be able to accept who he really is and quite hiding behind the shy, demure façade of Bruce Banner and accept the fact that he’s just ga… er… Hulk.
Thor – The Frat Boy
The blonde hair, blue-eyed boy from the very exclusive frat of AΣΓ (Asgard) seems to have a heart of gold mostly because he’s just so naïve about everything. He doesn’t know that he has to go to class; he doesn’t even know what any other drink is besides beer. He’s always a bouncer for the AΣΓ parties since just his look means that no one would want to mess with him (though he lets his good friend Tony in pretty regularly) but he does keep his trusty hammer by his side just in case things really get out of hand.
Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow – She’s-Out-of-Your-League
Natasha. She sits 3 seats down from you in your Russian Civilization class and she knows every answer. Also, she’s really hot. Natasha is the kind of girl that every guy wants – she’s smart, she’s sexy, and she looks like a badass standing in front of explosions. If you even think about having a chance with her, you couldn’t be more wrong for she doesn’t care about how cool your music taste is or how fly you look in your corduroy pants, so you probably should just stop before you even start to make a move.
Clint Barton/Hawkeye – The Regular Joe
Despite his odd taste in clothing color (only the Hulk can really pull off purple), Clint really keeps to himself. He does seem to get lucky with Natasha but no one really seems to know why. He’s also able to be the only one to calm the Hulk down after a long night of partying and smashing. I mean, Clint is so regular that the only thing that gets him excited is his Archery class every Tuesday and Thursday. And who the hell really thinks archery is cool?
Loki – The Evil Frat Boy
Also a member of AΣΓ, but he’s that frat boy that your mama warned you about. Loki is that boy at those frat parties that is able to convince any girl to sleep with him, simply through a few lies and a little mischief. He gets in many a quarrel with his fraternity brother, Thor, who finds Loki to be puny and unimportant in comparison to him. But still, Loki is able to invade the minds of ladies left and right off of Thor.
Nick Fury – The Professor
Professor Fury teaches a course in the International Relations department and really demands a lot from his students. Constantly forcing students to work in groups and then popping up randomly to check in how each student is doing individually. He also can’t seem to decide if he’s black or white most days which gets awfully confusing.
Agent Coulson – The TA
Professor Fury’s right hand man, Phil Coulson is graduate student in the IR school and goes out and speaks with as many of Professor Fury’s students as possible. He’s really annoying because he seems to serve no real purpose except for finding things and getting on people’s nerves. But, Professor Fury seems to still like him, so I guess that’s why he’s still around.