Every year Thanksgiving happens so that when it’s over, coffee,
frozen yogurt, smoothies, and pretty much all places that sell things that “taste like
something” know it’s time to start serving their seasonal holiday flavors.
I get just as excited about this as the next red-velvet-hot-chocolate
enthusiast. There’s a part of me, though, that enjoys telling the truth like
it’s a hobby.
And it is that part of me (I call it the “EXPOSED!” part) that
thought it would be at least a little entertaining to see some of the
following, more accurate holiday flavors on menus this year.
1) The Finals Frappuccino
It’s getting colder, which contrary to popular belief is NOT
the time to find some snow and play in it harder than ever before. It’s the
time to hunker down in your local room/library/snowless bathtub and commit to
that “Reading Disorder” you’ve been cultivating all semester: force as much
information into your memory until it can’t possibly take anymore just so your
brain can throw it all up later. Yum.
2)The Stress Soy Latte
If you’re doing it right, this time of year should be keeping
you awake at night thinking of all the things you’re running behind on and all
the people you’ll end up disappointing,
you failure. The truth (there it is!) though is that without stress, we
wouldn’t have that “if my life had a butt, it would be on fire right now!!!”
feeling that drives us to actually meet deadlines. So tense up those shoulders
and drink up!
3) The All Nighter Espresso
We’ve got the finals and stress down, so the next logical
invitee to this holiday bash is the Lady of Darkness herself: the All Nighter,
and boy is she an unforgiving, not to mention draining mistress. What sounds like a good, maybe even fun
idea inevitably leads to hating yourself the next day, but hey, you finished
that 10 page paper, you academic
Viking, you. Remember how this tastes for next time.
Nose/Lingering Cough-ee (you’re right! It’s coffee.)
You’ve been going non-stop all semester, you’re slogging
through those finals, heaping on the stress and topping it all off with no
sleep. Now that it’s the most important part of your academic season, you’re
right on schedule to get unforgivably sick. This concoction captures that
feeling. Just make sure your roommate knows you’re not actually dying, it’s
just a holiday flavor.
5) The Scheduling Your Wisdom Teeth Removal Hot Tea
If you’re like me, you have teeth. And if you’re wise, like
me, your molars decide to make a really grand entrance, to the point where they
need to be escorted from the building. Your Mouth Building. You then quickly
realize that it’s actually difficult to find an entire week of school where it
will be convenient, even fashionable, to be drugged up and puffy-faced. So you
choose winterbreak as that prime time. Things to consider: how bad do you
REALLY want to see your friends at home? And also, do you enjoy eating? Because
you won’t anymore.
6) The Obligatory Teacher Gift Grande
We all have that special educational someone. Just remember
that this gift is going to say everything about your mentor-mentee
relationship, so for god sakes put the generic Christmas ornament away because
you forgot that your professor is Jewish, didn’t you. And speaking of Jews”¦.
7) The Menorah Mochaccino
anyone noticed that “holiday flavors” NEVER means any other holiday but
Christmas? Well, looks like I just changed that. Mazel Tov.
Expensive Airline Ticket Tart
finally finished all of your academic craziness, and now it’s time to fly
home/hate your family for deciding to move to Alaska (hint: your school is not
in Alaska). The taste of your bank account bleeding out is a bitter one.
You’re Single And No One is Actually Game for Mistletoe Boba
this mostly speaks for itself, but in case it doesn’t, make sure you’re single
and try putting up some mistletoe.
Now stand under it. I recommend you bring a chair, and make sure it’s
comfortable, because all you’re going to be doing is sitting in it for a long
time. People find themselves in a mistletoe situation and they get real weird about it. Nevermind that you can always
just blame whatever happens on that leafy green plant because hey, you were
taken over by some Christmas magic. No, people just don’t react to mistletoe
because everyone is too sober and it could send all kinds of messages, none of which are “I believe
in fun.” If we really wanna get honest, let’s start calling it MYTH-stletoe.
It’s a Wonderful Life Spice
you thought all of these were going to be negative, you MIGHT be wrong! Personally
I love this movie. It turns out American TV shares that love. Assuming you own a television, whether you want to or not, you
WILL see Jimmy Stewart run through Bedford Falls screaming MERRY CHRISTMAAAAS! at
the top of his fantastic classic actor-y lungs. And really, I can’t wait.
tells me these are going to be very popular this holiday season. In fact, I can
taste them already.