Without laws our society
would crumble like so many cookies. Our campus bike traffic is abnormally
apocalyptic and Highlander-y, so we here at Campus
Basement want to say: good job! That’s how you do it ““ mow down
pedestrians/each other, take no prisoners but take the heads for trophies.
For those who need help remembering how champions worship Lady Casual Bicycling, look no further. But like,
do read”¦ further.
ON THE STREETZ
The flow of vehicular traffic
What you may be doing: You ride on the right-hand bike lane or to
the far right of the street.
How to assert your
championness: Your fine self
cruises every which where! Left side
of the road against traffic, mostly. Sidewalks? If the mood strikes! (Always
does!) No bike lanes? You’d better be in the middle of the street! The cars
behind you will honk in admiration at your fantastic balls.
Making a left turn with no stoplight
What you may be doing: With caution for other traffic, follow the
same rules as you would in a car (taking care to signal).
Punch boring in the kidney!: 1) Veer left, whenever. 2) Turn onto the new
street, thinking mostly about that girl’s butt you saw earlier. 3) Whatever
What you may be doing: Reading and obeying signage.
Now the other kidney!: If you wanted to read you’d have stayed in
class, right?! You only acknowledge one sign, and it’s that hilarious novelty
one on your roommate’s door.
When do I follow
vehicular laws and when can I move through streets and footpaths as a
You are thinking wrong.
ON THE CAMPUSZ
Passing fellow bikers
What you may be doing: You’re calmly passing fellow
bikers when you can, occasionally with a bro-nod.
Charge at the future
with chaos as your steed!: You’re
heading straight for another bike! Wiggle back and forth, then to keep them on their toes, crash.
What to do if you’re stuck behind someone
What you may be doing: If you have the room, wait until the
street/sidewalk is clear and quickly pass.
Make your alpha status
clear!: If there’s a ledge
next to you and you happen to be a local nonstudent 12-year-old, wheelie the
shit out of that ledge! You will pass AND impress.
What you may be doing: Locking your bike frame to an empty bike rack
Fuck everybody!: The best bikes come in piles!
How to pass through a security arm
What you may be doing: If you can’t go around it, ensure it’s
staying in the “up” position before you pass.
You’ve totally got this. Go forth. If it
seems like DPS disagrees with these guidelines, don’t take it too personally ““
a bike happens to be dating DPS’s mom.