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My girlfriend wants to “take a break” over winter
break. I know this is to have some… freedom at home, which I’m actually
excited to take advantage of myself, but the thought of my girlfriend with
anyone else kills me. I know that’s a double standard, but I don’t know if the
trade-off is worth it. Help??

- Freedom?, junior

Freedom,

Ever hear of free love? Take that question mark away from your
name, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with spreading the awesomeness
that is YOU (and your penis) with every single person in the world. Every. Single. Person. Even the weirdos. Because Freedom, if
your dick is the instrument of love, you have to share it. And if your girlfriend’s friends
want to share their man or lady parts with her over the holiday season, that’s
totally beautiful! It shouldn’t kill you at all. Think of your girlfriend as
the most amazing joint in the world that you just have to let other people try.
And when you both get back to school, you’ll have smoked so many different
kinds that you’ll have new things to share with one another. So get out there,
Freedom, and free love it up.

Good luck!
Becca

Dear Mr. Freedom,

Based
on a lot of observation, “winter breaks” and “relationship breaks” are
different in that you and school always get back together in January while
that’s significantly less true of the latter.

I
guess it would be worth considering how long you guys have been together. This
may be a sign on the love freeway urging you to exit because there is serious road
closure ahead and it will be “infinity minutes to Downtown.” Also, is sex going
to be involved? If it is, I just can’t really see that going well. The reason
you’re uncomfortable with picturing your girlfriend with somebody else is
because she’s your girlfriend.

Besides,
how is ONE SIGNIFICANT OTHER, aka one person you care for enough/vice versa to
regularly “do it” with not enough for you people?? Do you know how HARD that is
to find? Because I have”¦a
pretty good idea of just how hard! You say you’re excited for the freedom, but
I can’t understand why you would want said freedom from somebody of which you
supposedly want to be the boyfriend. You’re going to have to sit down and think
about what you’re actually comfortable with, because good relationships don’t
have double standards.

And
before you make your decision, remember that many people would give anything to
be in your I-have-a-significant-sex-friend position, or any kind of sexual
position really. Just throwing it out there.

-Lia

Dear Junior,

I’d just like to point out you don’t need to be home to be free.
You just need to be in America.

Now that that’s out of the way: You just have to let go. I know
how hard it is. But you have to let your girlfriend meet other people. When I
had to let my husband out of the locked room for the first time I felt
terrified. But he came home. Only had to use the shock collar for the first
week.

I just want to clarify, that this is purely a matter of
interacting with other human beings. If not, I will warn you of something, this
may be what I like to call the “Ross and Rachel Dilemma,” which
is, as you probably could have guessed, describing a situation where someone
will be going to Hell for having premarital kissing. Don’t be Ross. Or Rachel.
(Although if you’re the second one we have a whole laundry list of other sins
to go through.)

Remember what Christmas is all about*,

Quinn

*P.S. The answers are Jesus and TJ Max sales.

Freedom,
it sounds like you’re sitting on a fence. On one side lies monogamy, which it
sounds like you and possibly your girlfriend feel is a drag right now. On the
other side is sex with whoever! Since it’s winter break, probably that special
somebody from high school. Or in my case, somebodies.

Not to be brash, Freedom, but your fence is
stupid. If you don’t want to commit, don’t! Save both of you the headache!

If all you want right now from your girlfriend is uninterrupted
sex, stop it. Get a friend(s) with benefits. If you want dinners, “you’re the
only one”s and matching sweaters (I don’t know, I don’t do a lot of this
committing stuff) man up and be in a relationship until you want it to be over.

“It’s more complicated than that,” you may be thinking
simultaneously with all the things you want to do to
Nadia-who-totally-made-eyes-at-Thanksgiving’s body. Well, if there’s anything
me and the no-strings-attached parade of wangs that is MY boyfriend have in
common, it’s that we’re scared of exactly what you’re toying with right now. If
you’re going to take on the “girlfriend/boyfriend” titles, do it and
mean it.

-Leah

Freedom?,

First off, I’m annoyed that your name made me follow a question
mark with a comma since I wanted to use proper grammar but your stupid username
makes it appear that it’s incorrect. So poo on you for that.

Now, on to your so-called “question.”
“Question” is in quotation marks here because you answered it
yourself already when you realized that what you’re asking is a
double-standard. Double-standards simply do not stand in asking a question for
you already know that you are wrong.

Look, if you’re so horny that you want to go around and hook up
with all those girls that were unavailable in high school but now are single
and down for something random and meaningless then I pray for your
self-dignity. Because that’s pathetic. You can’t deal with 3 weeks away from
the girl that actually thinks that going to bed with you is the bee’s knees and
go take a dip in some other pools then I question your stamina in other places.
(But I always do that.)

So look, if she wants to take a break but you aren’t really keen
on that, then say so. Say you don’t want any other P’s in her V except yours.
Tie that pussy down, boy. Got it?

Love & Kisses,

Roy

Dear Freedom?,

Let us assume, to begin, that the construct of your relationship is an
attracting force, much like gravity.

Let us assume further that we may model our equation for the strength of your
relationship on Newton’s law of universal gravitation.

          (m1)(m2)
F = G —————
            d^2

To redefine as the force of your relationship, we
retain as the distance between two
bodies: yours and your girlfriend’s. As mass does not directly correspond
to an individual’s love, we must take another measure in order to find the
proper masses for calculation.

If the idiom “I love you with all my heart” describes the maximum
measure of an individual’s love
If heart ~ soul, in that context
Ifm(soul)=21g=the mass of a standard soul

Then the fraction of your soul that loves your girlfriend is m1, and the fraction of her
soul that loves you is m2.
Therefore:

Let p1= the percentage of your soul that
loves your girlfriend
Let p2= the percentage of your
girlfriend’s soul that loves you

         (p1)(p2)(.021 kg)^2
F = G —————————-
                  d^2

Let G =6.674×10−11 N m2kg−2, the value given to
the gravitational constant, however, and assume a long distance relationship
of, say,1000 miles, then even if you and your girlfriend loved each other with all
your hearts

                                       .000441 kg2
F =6.674×10−11N m2kg−2—————— = 2.94×10−20N
                                        100000m2

To put it in perspective, the approximate weight of one raisin is .021 kg * 9.8
m/s2, 2.06×10-1N.

We are therefore brought to the conclusion that either love has less weight
than a raisin, or the gravitational constant is misapplied. Since my
girlfriend and I are in a long-term, successful, exclusive relationship that
frequently becomes long-distance, I opt for the latter.

To redefine as L,
the love coefficient, I propose to begin with

L =10r/bN m2kg−2,

Where r = the length of the relationship in weeks, and b = the length of the
break in weeks. Attempt this formula and compare the results to weights
of common objects–the conversion to convert to English pounds, multiply by
4.5.

Consider the approximate weight of your relationship as one force. The
force necessary to cancel it, according to Newton’s Third Law, must be equal
and opposite. Likely, that is the weight you feel when you say her other
relationships “kill” you. Take faith in Newton that your
girlfriend feels the same, because people work exactly like gravity.

-Professor Pratt

HEY, YOU! Yeah, you! Who just read this sexy, enlightening article! If you’d like advice about a personal problem from our knowledgey staff, email cbweeklysex@gmail.com.

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