Dear Weekly Sex,
With all the different kinds of sex out there, I was wondering what you all think it means to lose your virginity, or be a virgin?
– No Reason Just Wondering, sophomore
Dear Mr./Ms. Wondering,
Whoa. Are you telling me that other stuff counts towards your non-virgin status? Why have I never heard of this!? Because for me, that changes EVERYTH-aaaat’s an interesting question you raise.
What I was going to say is that to me, even though there are a lot of fun steps along the way (and I KNOW this), losing your virginity is essentially reenacting that abandoned candle-lit house scene in The Notebook. However, I am only speaking for myself. College has taught me that there are lots of different kinds of people and therefore one’s “loss of virginity” can’t really have a one-size-fits-all definition (heh). There are so many different kinds of physical intimacy and sometimes it’s difficult to make sense of it all. I guess in the end it really comes down to what YOU believe your virginity means to you, and whether or not you have misplaced it, on your terms. One good rule though is that whatever you have or haven’t done, you should probably be honest about that with any potential partners because that kind of stuff is pretty important no matter what you decide for your definitions.
And believe me, I have or haven’t done a lot of things.
Virginity is relative to every possible action. Have you ever had penile-vaginal intercourse? Have you ever performed or received fellatio? Have you ever become pregnant? Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? Have you ever taken a test? Have you ever taken a test with a number two pencil? Have you ever used a number two pencil? Have you ever used a crayon? If you answered no to any of these questions, then you are, for that action, a virgin; if you answered yes, then your metaphorical hymen, for that action, has been ruptured. Sex is only a small part of your virginity if the technical sense of the term is expanded to this level; technically, you lost your first virginity at the meeting of the sperm and egg that spawned you.
In short, put it in perspective and then reevaluate the importance of the particular virginity you are thinking of.
You can’t letothers define this! This question can only be answered by you. Smoke a few bowls, contemplate your life, and be like “”Who am I?How does No Reason Just Wondering really feel?Do I want some pizza right now? Yes, yes I do.'” And in there lies the key to knowing what virginity is. If that makes you a virgin? Then that’s awesome, man! Eat pizza and have sex if you want. Everything works out.
There is no reason for you to be asking this question. Literally. Unless you are a 4th grader going through sex-ed for the first time and not someone who is even considering any sort of sexual experience. If you are a 4th grader, then stop asking us your questions and wait for your teacher to explain it. If you’re not a 4th grader, then I would suggest asking a 4th grader first. But since you’ve already asked, I’m gonna give you an answer anyway. It’s all about putting the P in the V. Or putting the P in the A. Or putting the T in the V. It’s about putting something into something else with little to no clothing on. I don’t know what you prefer putting your appendages into and it doesn’t matter to me. But in order to still maintain your virginity, you’ve got to have kept all your dangly bits or holes away from someone else’s dangly bits or holes. Why that’s so hard for you to understand is beyond me. And next time, yeah, go ask a 4th grader. Please.
That is a very good question, one I’m thankful you posed before it’s too late. For this question, I refer to my tried-and-trusty-true Mary Chart (see below).
You’re not virginal if you’ve engaged in any of the following intercourses:
1) Intercoursecourse: If a urine funnel should find its way into a baby hole.
2) Wrongcourse: If a peepee hose chances upon baby hole’s neighbor.
3) Oralcourse: If one should verbally present intercourse in front of his/her class.
4) Handcourse: When one’s hand should slip and fall repeatedly on any orifice.
5) Selfcourse: If one should accidentally stimulate his/her body parts.
6) Smoochcourse: Mouth touching.
7) Tarantinocourse: See “Handcourse,” replace “hand” with “foot.”
8) Hugcourse: Embracing someone.
9) Thoughtcourse: When one thinks about any of the above activities.
You are virginal if you’ve done any of the following:
1) Virgin Course: Not doing any of the above.
2) Mary’s Course: God rape.
I hope you can refer to this handy chart for anymore questions regarding this question.
Just Wondering –
Your virginity, like your sex, is up to you to define ““ the common
P in Va-G definition obviously has a lot of limitations, so say what makes you
I will warn, however, that a younger, confused
though-equally-confidently-promiscuous me got carried away with this once upon
a time. I wanted to lose it to someone I was in love with, preferably on some
sort of beach.
When I started dipping my toes in the sex-pool I discovered
that sex is great. I heard around the
same time that you could define “losing it” for yourself – so what virginity meant
to me became more flexible in bed than I was. Every new thing I tried “didn’t
count yet” because I still wanted the special in-love beach time to be the most
So the day finally came where I couldn’t convince myself anymore
that a “multi-ethnic fivesome in the work break room” didn’t count; Kevin,
Dave, Melissa and Rico were good sports about it. We had a nice cry by the
So take charge, define away, but don’t do it out of a sense
of loss or shame. I still had my in-love beach experience, and I agree with
Rico when he said “the beach is a terrible idea anyway.”
HEY, YOU! Yeah, you! Who just read this sexy, enlightening article! If you’d like advice about a personal problem from our knowledgey staff, email firstname.lastname@example.org.