Once a week has never been so satisfying.


Dear Weekly Sex - 

 

I’ve never been a super
demanding person, so I have a really hard time telling my boyfriend what I…
you know… Need him to do. In bed. 

 

It’s not that it’s not a
good time (it is!!), I just have a hard time crossing the finish line, if you
know what I mean. I know I can do it solo, I just have a hard time giving
instructions. Help me!

 

- Directionless, junior

 

Directionless,


You
need to be less the hesitant intern and more the manager of the sex you’re
having. Believe me, if you’re bumpin’ fists at any competitive volume you need
to embrace the idea that nothing is sexier than efficiency and clear
directions!


While
the intimacy, emotion, and sacredness of sexual union is fine and whatever,
think about it this way: when you’re getting a haircut, you bring in a picture
of what you want. Once they get going, you correct them until you’re both
satisfied. When you order a burger, you say “no onions, extra cheese, barbecue
sauce instead of ketchup and I’m really going to have a hard time here if the
whole thing isn’t super-sized.” It’s that simple. This is just one more stop in
a day of need-fulfilling errands, made better by your attention to
communication.


I do
understand it can be frustrating and a little tedious, but the
instructor/instruction structure should be celebrated. The only possible risk
on the venture is more sexing! Your Christmas bonus is orgasms! “O” holy night,
he has risen, yes. Indeed.

 

-Leah

 

Directionless, 

I’ve got one word for you: kush. Have you ever tried it? It’s crazy. Like a
crazy purple plant thing that makes life great. I guess what I’m trying to say
is ““ let yourself go! Do something awesome. Be awesome. Because you’re a
beautiful person, and don’t be afraid to show that to other people. Like your
boyfriend. Has he tried it? I think you both would really like it. You
seriously won’t need to worry about anything ever again. Actually, you’ll
probably just fall into a wonderful sleep and be able to put off this problem
for another week, so, yeah.

-Becca


Dear
Ms. Directionless,


You have a boyfriend! That’s”¦80% of the battle, and madam, you
are winning. As far as having trouble “crossing the finish line” goes, be
thankful you’re in the race! Let’s just say SOME OF US don’t even have
participation ribbons. So run like the sexual Olympians that you are! In my
experience (maybe), boyfriends have a lot of investment in seeing you”¦succeed,
but every athlete needs a coach (probably), so put on your sexiest voice and
tell him to drop and give you 20, if you know what I mean (because
I don’t).


-Lia


Dear Directionless,

 

I am disappointed. How could you do such a thing? Keeping the key to your so-called “finish line” hidden away like the Holy Grail or some shit. It’s not. This question is ludicrous for the answer is so evidently simple that you’ve almost answered it yourself. How do you tell him? YOU JUST TELL HIM. You think he wants to hinder you from “crossing the finish line?” Hell no. Even if he’s just a self-satisfying, egotistical, prickface (which I could totally see him being) chances are he’s down for making sure that you get down. And don’t give me the bullshit that he wouldn’t understand what he needs to do even if you did just tell him. Give the guy some credit. I mean, if you are already sleeping with him then he probably knows his way around a little bit. It’s like going on vacation somewhere and by the last day, you’ve got a pretty good sense of your way around the general area that you’ve been visiting. But the longer you stay, the more comfortable you get, and you’ll even get more comfortable if someone just handed you a map.

 

Sooooooooooooooo hand him a map. There’s no shame in saying, “Yo, bro, what you doing actually ain’t doing shit. Here lemme tell you wha’s up, homes.” There’s no shame in saying that. Well, unless you say it like that because then you just sound like an idiot. Bottom line, grow a pair of balls yourself and let the man know how to do what needs to be done.

 

Love & Kisses,

Roy

Directionless,


I
completely understand. When my husband Rudolphus and I met I was terrified that
he wouldn’t be able to satisfy my needs. I tossed and turned at night waiting
for the time when he would finally sleep in my bed with me. And three years
later, my wedding night did come. Rudolphus would see me past 6:30 for the
first time. Finally the defining moment came and I let him see my retainer. He
was both able and willing to massage my gums for 1.5 hours before and after
insertion. Neither my dental hygine nor my relationship has ever been stronger.

 

And
as for bed races, I’m so glad to hear we aren’t the only ones! They are a good
time (at least three times better than a potato sack race if I say so myself)!
I’ll admit that I’ve never tried it solo, but if he’s really not getting it I’d
suggest you tell him to really put his back into it. Give it the old one two.
Dig deep. Hit home. I’m sure he’ll reach the finish line next time”¦ and if it’s
too difficult for him to race in bed, I’d suggest you try it a few other
places. On the roof is fun, in a pool, a playground”¦ you name it we’ve done it.
Even managed one at the old folks home with Grandma. J

 

So
that’s the best I can do. And even if the racing doesn’t work out, there’s more
to relationships than fun and games. Just wait until you have the intercourse.

 

-Quinn

 Dear Directionless,


You might teach your boyfriend to better tend to your needs with a mnemonic device.  Grade school students are taught PEMDAS, or Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally, so that they can remember the order of operations (Parentheses, Exponents, Multiply/Divide, Add/Subtract).  In the same way, you can teach your boyfriend LBSTCV, or Lester Brings Suzie To Climax Vigorously, to remind him to pleasure your Lips, Breasts, Stomach, Thighs, and Clitoris before he gets to your Vagina.  This mnemonic of course varies on your sexual preferences, so create your own as needed, perhaps STABLE for Stomach, Thighs, Anus, Breasts, Lips, and Earlobe, or ORGASM for Oil, Rope, Gargle, Anus, Sextoy, Motorboat.

To articulate the finer points of intercourse, you might want to construct a coordinate system for your vagina.  That way, specific strokes can be communicated with vectors instead of the standard “no, more over there.”  Enjoy!

-Professor Pratt


HEY, YOU! Yeah, you! Who just read this sexy, enlightening article! If you’d like advice about a personal problem from our knowledgey staff, email cbweeklysex@gmail.com.

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