Once A Week Never Sounded So Satisfying


Weekly Sex, 

 

I found out this girl I’m sort of seeing has slept with,
like, a huge number of people. Like now-technically-measured-by-dozens
huge. I feel really prudish by comparison. Can I ask if there’s a
“normal” number for college guys/girls to have?

 

Not Like None But Really Could Be More, Sophomore


Dear Mr. More,

YOU feel like your number is low? Because I”¦
nevermind. Honestly I don’t think “normal” exists in any aspect, but what’s
more important is how much you like this person, and whether or not they’re
responsible. And seriously, sleeping with not that many people isn’t such a big
deal. I always tell”¦ my friend that being less experienced than someone you’re
seeing shouldn’t change how they feel about you, OR how you feel about
yourself. But again, what is this fixation on numbers anyway? What makes a
number “high” or “low” or “zero””¦ besides, you don’t need Math for sex, right?
(I mean, you don’t, right?)

-Lia


More. More, More, More.

You’ve either got a true gem or a real psycho on
your hands, because she’s way high digit-wise but hasn’t yet figured out you’re
supposed to lie about it. She’s trying to forge a real connection based on
honesty or is trying to freak you out before she stabs you. Probably that one.
Keep a blunt object by your bed. 

As far as numbers go ““ what’s normal is whatever
you want. If you drop trou, put your hands on your hips, and don’t quickly have
a couple offers to choose from, you’re going to the wrong parties. 

If you feel
your number is low, it’s there because you decided for it to be.
Congratu-frickin-lations. Don’t come to my parties.

-Leah

 

Dear Heathen,

At this point in time I assume
your girlfriend is so covered in sexually transmitted sores/pus/babies/demons
that you probably cannot see her face. Well I’ll tell you one thing. That face
looks like a whore.

As Mama always told me: prude is
just a combination of “proud” and
“attitude.” Whore is just a
combination of “Who is that slutty
girl with sores and babies all over
her face””oh her? She’s a whore.”

Get out now, child.

-Quinn “Like None”
Sosna-Spear

P.s. Your girlfriend’s a slut.

 

Dear Really Could Be More, 

While there is no
“normal” number for college guys/girls to have, as the infinite
libido of some young men and women has been throwing off research on the
subject for years, I can give you another reassuring figure.

I estimate there is a 95% chance
your partner is not telling the truth, and a 5% chance that she is a sex
goddess.  Either way, there is no need to feel inferior.  In the
former case, she’s probably feeling as inadequate as you are.  In the second,
you will have a wonderful time, adequate or not.  Enjoy!

-Professor Pratt

 

Dear Weekly Sex,

 

Me and my guy friend said we like each other, he kissed
me and it was all cute and everything, but I actually really do think he’s
great and don’t want this to just turn into another casual thing. How long should
we wait to have sex?

 

- Hesitantly Horny, Junior

 

Dear Ms. Horny,

Okay okay first I have a few questions. What was
the kiss like? Was it a short n’ sweet dealio or was it one of those “we’re
gonna do ittttt” kisses that I imagine is the standard gesture when people are
gonna do it. That’s how you know sex is going to happen, right? Because of
THOSE kinds of kisses? Because otherwise what’s the signal I should be looking
for- I’m sorry I’m getting distracted. So first figure out what kind of kiss it
was. For all you know he might want to take it slow too. But be careful about
how slow because then before you know it you’re in your 20s and you still
don’t- sorry, distracted again. The point is, you’ve got to communicate about
your feelings and figure out what’s best for both of you. At least that’s what
I’ve always read.

-Lia


Horny,

Let me put my figurative boots up on my
figurative desk while I explain to you what my dead inside,
tanned-to-potato-skin-like-texture on the outside mother taught me my first day
of kindergarten. Dude-feelings are as fickle and un-understandable as women are
when dudes are trying to bang them. Those feelings are an ancient
uncontrollable mystery, and “horny” and “casual” are most of them. So embrace
it! Nakedly.
Sure, you could get struck by love-lightning, and I’ll send you a card with a
kitten or some ducks on it congratulating you for your hilarious feelings. But until then, Ms. Horny, take
that emotional void, pretend its name isn’t Brendan-from-freshman-year, and
fill it with as many dudes as you can find! Embrace your broadest tastes and
still have time to work three jobs! If he’ll proofread your paper or let you
study while you consummate your benefriendship, all the better. There is
literally no downside, especially
emotionally!
Now get out of my office. Figuratively.

-Leah

 

Dear Hesitantly Horny,

It’s interesting that you
should ask that. Now, assuming you’ve courted for the appropriate year and a
half before the first kiss (very cute by the way, congratulations on your
blossoming relationship), I’d give it another three before you even consider
engage in the s-word””or the “devil’s deal of bodily fluid,” as I like to say
with friends.

But I wouldn’t worry
about that, you have the wedding to plan first”¦ among other things. I mean, how
embarrassing would it be for you to complete coitous only to realize the two of
you haven’t even come up with the baby’s name yet?

Anyway, Horny, what I’d
recommend is that you just not worry about it. It sounds like the evolution of
your relationship is right on track. (Just kidding about the evolution thing!
LOL. That was a joke. Evolution.) Oh and I absolutely understand what you mean
about the casual thing. I’d recommend a nice pair of heels, fancies up
anything.

-Quinn

P.s. I assume you have a horny
toad? My brother does too! His is named David.

 

Dear Horny,

Let
x represent the number of people you have slept with


Let
y represent the number of people your partner has slept with


Let
z represent the number of weeks that you and your partner have known each other


Let
a represent the length of your shortest relationship in weeks*


Let
b represent the length of your partner’s shortest relationship in weeks*


Let
c represent the number of bases you’ve covered with your partner




      1                  abs(x-y)       (a+b)

———–   
*    ———–  *  ———–


    c
+1                    z                   2




The
result of the above expression is the number of days you should wait until
having sex.  If you get a decimal answer, multiply by 7 for days, then 24
for hours, then 60 for minutes as needed.  Enjoy!


*This
relationship should be the type of relationship you are seeking now–the
formula applies even if you are converting to weeks from minutes.

-Professor Pratt

 

HEY, YOU! Yeah, you! Who just read this sexy, enlightening article! If you’d like advice about a personal problem from our knowledgey staff, email cbweeklysex@gmail.com.

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